Wednesday, July 7, 2010

How Acceptance?

WARNING- This is a rant, so feel free to read no further. I had to get this off my chest and will be back with something more cheerful tomorrow.

When people have hurt you in the past, and not attempted to make amends. When they have wrecked havoc in your life, like it was their birthright to do so.

After you have spent years erasing all traces of them from your life, what right do they have to waltz back into your life?

When you have stopped caring, either way, how dare they inform you they thought your silence was acquiescence?

Why demand acceptance, without feeling the need to ask for forgiveness.

What right do people who have hurt you have to come back, even if they are family?

A drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.


Wanda said...

Hi Rayna, I tend to think their reappearance is more of an opportunity for us than them. An opportunity to offer true forgiveness. Blessings to you.

Margot Kinberg said...

Rayna - What a powerful point you make! Just because you've moved on and become a different, healed person doesn't mean other people have. It takes a lot of strength to deal with it when people who've hurt you come, all of a sudden, back into your life. I think it's possible to move on and put something behind one without and be at peace without leaving oneself vulnerable to being hurt again.

Mary McDonald said...

You are so right! My husband's real dad stopped by our house a month ago. He lives less than two miles away, and never bothered to meet his granddaughter--who will be ten next month. My husband just shut the door in his face.

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Why indeed Rayna? because I guess that's the way society is now. Things very slowly change without even realising it. People take one another for granted ok, in some instances that's great but when an apology is involved then it's wrong,


RA said...

People do function so differently. Some having hurt you, may not even be aware of having done so. Like Wanda says, this is an opportunity to understand how those people function, and forgive. Which does not mean you need to forget, just lern for the future. :)

Tina said...

That's the rub right there. With friends, you can shut them out and leave it there. With family, though, comes that obligation. Not an obligation to forgive and forget, but the implied obligation that the relationship needs to heal. It's impossible, to me, to forgive someone who won't admit their wrong-doing much less apologize. I've found that limiting time in their presence helps a lot, though it's not always easy to do. And rant away! I enjoy personal blogs so much.

LTM said...

amazing--a few girlfriends and I were having this exact conversation literally minutes ago... family, man. Family. :o|
((big hug)) and a prayer for you~

Hart Johnson said...

Pardon me while I mangle Buddhist teachings a little, because I only know bits and pieces, but... perhaps there is a lesson in it we need to learn... It may or may not have anything to do with forgiveness... It may be about something else entirely... and maybe the relationships aren't meant to heal (though maybe they are)--I am trying to force through this one with my mom and not making great progress, but at the moment I feel so strongly that, while I WANT the relationship, I only want it if SHE wants it badly enough to grow a little first. Forcing someone else's growth isn't easy.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That's what family is for!

Seriously though, I agree with Wanda's answer. It's your chance for forgiveness, peace, and to be the better person.

Tundiel said...

I agree that forgiveness is an option, but I'm not someone who can forget stuff easily. It's not that I hold a grudge, I am just more wary. I would advise you to be the same - don't turn your back lest you regret it later, but be wary of the sudden reappearance. There's always a reason why something like this happens, and it's worth finding out why, even if you choose not to forgive.


Anonymous said...

Ah forgiveness, the gift that keeps on giving. Sometimes you'd like to include a kick in the shin as a bonus LOL!

Stephen Tremp

Mary said...

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean association. Some people, even relatives, are best kept at a distance.
prayers with you, Rayna.

Giggles and Guns

Chary Johnson said...


KarenG said...

Some people are toxic, and we need to avoid them like we would poison.

Theres just life said...

This is a real hard situation. Forgiveness is easier said than done. I have a similar situation concerning a close family member that turned his back on the whole family, kids and grandkids, when he remarried. Now according to him it is all our fault and we should be the ones to apologize. But new wife wont even let us speak to him.

Saumya said...

Negative people can be difficult to pinpoint and even more difficult to truly eradicate, especially when they are family members. We think that when we are close to people, their actions can be excused and everything is acceptable. I do not agree with that!

Deb and Barbara said...

Oh, this is so hard! Whatever happens, I do think it's your journey that's important, not the other. You'll do what you need to do at this point. Good luck (or karma...).


Tabitha Bird said...

No right whatsoever! And I have been there. I have shown the door to my father. And refused to open it when he thought he could come back again. Forgiveness is one thing. It does not mean you have to continue a relationship with them. I forgive. I have no intention of continuing a relationship.

Donna B said...

Rant away my friend. Vent, kick, scream and yell....then listen to your heart and you will know the right thing to do.

dipali said...

I think it is only those who have been close in some way, whether by virtue of kinship or friendship, have the power to hurt one like this.
As Begum Akhtar sings,
Apno ke situm hamse batlaye nahi jate
Ye hadse woh hai jo samjhaye nahi jate

Ek umr ki kosish se bhula di hai teri yaad
Lekin teri yaad ke saye ab bhi nahi jate

I hope things sort themselves out and this person realises that he/she may be forgiven, but misdeeds are not forgotten.

dipali said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura Eno said...

Beautiful! I've been in that situation and I don't understand why they would show back up either.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Wanda- even if it is the second time it has happened? I don't know. I really don't. Maybe I am just not big enough for that.

@ Margot- you hit the nail on the head. I have moved on, and I know that if I let the person back in, I am only going to be hurt again. I know that, because he is not repentant- he is taking my acceptance as his due. And I care enough for myself not to let myself be hurt again.

@ Mary- good for him. How could anyone do that, and expect anything but what your husband gave him. I too am happy- my husband has stood by me through this.

@ Yvonne - and this is the second time. The first time it happened, I assumed that an apology was meant, when it neither was, nor was articulated. Now, I am not going to fall for that again.

@ RA- sometimes, I wonder what 'forgive' means. I wish him no harm, and have moved on- is that forgiveness. And I don't remember- just have chosen to move on.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Tina- precisely. If the person means an apology, I am more than happy to forgive and forget, but not if there is no repentance but a demand for something I cannot give.

@ LTM- thank you. And it is universal, isn't it?

@ Hart- mangle away- you know how much I like it. I do agree with you, that if the person doesn't want it, no point forcing. Really want, that is. And I do hope you reach some kind of acceptance with your mother.

@ Alex- it is just that I am scared of being hurt again. If I let the person back in, that is what I am in for.

@ Tundiel- exactly. I wonder why he has chosen to reappear. And I just know I am opening myself up to being hurt again.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Stephen- I have to agree!!! Wish I had thought of it.

@ Mary- thank you. And if that is the case, I think I am home.

@ Chary- thank you.

@ KarenG- they are, aren't they. Luckily, there are not too many of such toxic people.

@ Theres just life- oh poor you. Some people just revel in situations like this, don't they?

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Saumya- neither do I. Maybe we give them a longer rope, but a rope we should give them too.

@ Barbara- thank you. And yes, as long as I am at peace with myself, I guess nothing else should really matter.

@ Tabitha- you are wise, and I am absolutely taking your advice.

@ Donna- thank you. And yes, will listen to my heart.

@ dipali- so true. Exactly, forgiven but not let back into my life.

@ Laura- I would love to know why too.


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