That which we speak not of

[An occasional series profiling women I know who have risen over challenges to become the inspiring women that they now are. Each of them has lessons for us]

She is a professionally qualified, financially independent woman who got trapped in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. The abuse got worse after she had a child, and she even left the home for a few months and then returned. But when she could take the abuse no longer, she walked out with her 13 month old daughter, and to keep herself and her daughter safe, disappeared from public view.

Even 20 years back, it was not easy to ‘disappear’. She had no social media profile, and didn’t attend functions where there was even the faintest likelihood that mutual friends may be present. She kept a very low profile professionally, even though it had an adverse impact on her career. For seven years, she managed to stay under the radar. Then, after her mother passed away, someone called her pretending to be from her mother’s bank, got her address and outed her. The long distance abuse began again.

Their mutual friends chose not to believe her stories of abuse, because to do so would mean they would have to stake a stand against him. What they did not realize was that by choosing to look away, they were enabling the abuser, which indirectly made them guilty too.

Even worse, she was ostracized by mutual friends, because her presence reminded them that they had chosen silence. For them, it was a choice between what was easy and what was right, and they chose what is easy.

Today, the toddler with whom she fled is a young woman who is ready to take on life in her own terms. She has carved out her own niche professionally. After decades of playing the part of the dignified man in public, her abuser has unraveled in public a few times and people are now seeing through the suave mask he has on. We can say that the story has a positive end.

Why then am I talking about the story today?

I am talking about it, because this forces us to confront our stereotypes. We are quick to typeset victims of domestic abuse as meek women who are emotionally and financially dependent on their partners. But even strong and independent women could be victims, and even for them it is not always easy to walk out of an abusive relationship.

I am talking about it, because when we hear of cases like this, out natural tendency is to look away. We do not want to get involved in matters like this. What we do not realize is that our silence empowers the perpetrator. Knowing he will not be called out, he continues his abusive behavior, and the victim is left without support. It is necessary for each of us to take a stand against domestic violence. Till each of us supporting the victim in public and calling out the perpetrator, this is not going to go away.

Freedom to be Free

 This weekend, I met some amazing young women who were all pursuing undergraduate / technical course in the city. Each was from a marginalised background, and had overcome almost unimaginable obstacles to get here.

Many had lost one or both parents, some had escaped child labour or child marriage, all were from socially and economically backward communities.

Yet, they had prioritised the need to get an education, and were hoping it would help them break the poverty cycle.

Since I always land up early for any event, I was able to spend time with some of them. The stories they told about how the survived the lockdown were horrific- stories similar to the ones we read about, but chilling since they were recounted by people who had survived it.

The other thing common to them was that they were all ambitious. Though most were first generation school graduates, they all dreamt of clearing the competitive exams, or getting jobs as teachers.

Reservations were created to help people like this, and it made me happy to know that at least some of them would be able to avail them, and achieve their ambitions.

I couldn't have asked for a happier #WomansDay 

They inspired me to keep doing what we do because it matters.

When the time came to address them, I was at a loss for words. What advice could I give to a group of women who had overcome obstacles I cannot even comprehend. They didn't need me to tell them they are already winners; they know it.

In a voice choked with emotion, I could just remind them that after what they have overcome to get this far, nothing could be beyond their grasp. That they should continue to dream, and make those dreams come true.

That is the true meaning of #WomansDay

"You are a girl, you are so lucky"

 “You are a girl. It’s easy for you”, is something every woman who is or aspires to be professionally qualified hears. I heard it too.

“You are a girl, you will get into IIM. We are the ones who have to struggle.”

Well, guess what. Standardized Aptitude Tests aren’t (to the best of my knowledge) calibrated to recognise gender. And someone who’s been on the high school and University debating team has a distinct advantage over the others in GDs and interviews.

Less than a year later, it was back.

“Girls always get summer placement in the first weekend itself.”

Some did. But most of us had to wait, and during every one of those five weeks when others were getting placed, we were constantly reminded of how it is easy for girls.

“Girls get Day Zero placements even if they aren’t I-Schols.”

By then, the statement had almost stopped hurting. But we saw a new aspect of discrimination. After clearing multiple rounds of interviews, when I finally made it to the last interview of my Dream Job, the question came, “what would you do if your child falls ill on a day when you have an important presentation." I fumbled and was out. Why are men never asked that question. Do they not marry or have kids?

The statements never end:

“You are a girl. You will get a cushy department.”

“You are a girl. You will get promoted before us.”

“You are a girl. Nobody will question if you leave early.”

That cushy department was a 6 month deputation where I was the sole occupant of the company guest house. The promotion almost never came because a boss had messed up my appraisal. I did leave earlier than the others, but also checked in long before they did.

Women balanced greater expectations at home, with demands of the workplace. Women missed out on informal networking opportunities because they weren’t a part of the Boys Gang. Women struggled to find washrooms when they had to travel. Women took on the tougher assignments because to refuse would have meant being branded weak.

Women learnt to ignore misogynistic remarks. Women pretended not to notice the condescending manner in which they were treated. Women accepted the fact that they would find it much more difficult to be heard and taken seriously. 

Worst of all, women learnt to shoulder the burden of the gender. When a man made a mistake, it was a mere stumble. When a woman made the same mistake, the entire gender got branded.

And yet, when a women says 'every woman I meet at the top position is extraordinary. Many men I meet at the top position are quite ordinary", she is called out for the statement. Isn't it time men acknowledge the truth. That despite their perceived victimization, it is women who struggle in the workplace.

December 2014: Traditional Finery

 
The village belles dressed in traditional finery presented a picture of India that was Young, Beautiful and Traditional. An India seeped in culture. An India proud of her heritage. An India that I thought no longer existed.

How their lives will change once education and technology reach them, I thought. The thought excited me, but I was also apprehensive about how our collective heritage will be lost.
 
And then she whipped out her mobile phone, and checked her make up using the selfie mode. She was satisfied.
 
I was too. Technology and tradition do not have to be mutually exclusive.
____
2014: The Year That Was

November 2014: The Village Life

The village life. The rural life. The burst of colours. Scents. And textures. We romanticise everything, from the smell of crowding to the taste of fresh food. Even the poverty, seen through city eyes, is exotic- wood fired stoves never look as good in urban slums. 

Do we look beneath? At farmers depending on the rains; at others depending on the farmers. One bad harvest can wipe out all chances of repaying loans. With the only way to create wealth being dependent on factors beyond their control, is it any wonder the menfolk all migrate to urban slums?

____
2014: The Year That Was

September 2014: Find their own Solutions

The longer I work in the social sector, the less sure I am of what I thought I knew. In fact, the only thing I know for sure is that I do not even come close to having all the answers. 

We speak about economic independence, but how does a woman go out to work, when she has to stay behind to catch water? We all agree that child labour is bad, but banning it only leads to greater exploitation.

On the ground, all we can really do is to act as facilitators to help communities find their own solutions.

____
2014: The Year That Was

O is for ..... One

This is a work of fiction and forms a part of the Blogging from A to Z Challenge. I will attempt to write a new story based on the word for the day every day during the month of April.

“I agree with your Cause, but I really don’t have time to attend protest meetings”, Olga insisted.

“Come for some time at least.”

“If there are really so many of you, why do you need me?”

“Because if everyone thought like you, there would be no one” her friend explained. “If you just can’t make it, that’s okay. But do your best will you?”

Her work got over early that day, and Olga decided to join the protest meeting. She was glad she did. Yes, she was just one individual. But together they were One, and they would be heard.

______  

A Drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.

I choose ugliness

Serena Williams is an athlete. Her legs are strong, her muscles well defined. Her legs are toned- not an inch of fat anywhere- but they are not thin. And without those legs she would not be the world-famous athlete she is.

Why then the need to photoshop those legs to the point where they resemble those of a Barbie doll? Why take a body that has been perfected by hours and hours of hard work, and replace it with something that looks like it will topple over if you shove it?

If that is beauty, I will choose ugliness anyday.

______  
A Drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.

A day for drawing attention....

This morning, I saw a girl in a mini-skirt telling me to buy a two-wheeler to commemorate International Woman’s Day. While I have nothing against mini-skirts, and I admit that to a woman who has to battle male gaze while using public transport nothing is more empowering than a two-wheeler; I didn’t like how the Day was being misused to sell two-wheelers.

The Day is for drawing attention to the issues that plague women across the globe- gender inequality, lack of choice, economic discrimination, sexual abuse - the endless cycle of poverty and reproduction. That’s what the Day is for.

______  
A Drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.

Women can fly free

“Stay indoors when you can, and avoid being alone in public places after 8 pm”, the police officially tells women. “If you do not, we are not responsible for your safety”, is left unsaid. Isn’t it much easier to curb the basic freedom of women, than to do increase safety in public places?

Kites symbolize freedom. Kites are traditionally flown on Makar Sankranti to mark the beginning of the harvest season, the start of plenty. Kites no longer sport geometric patterns- they are adorned with photographs of Bollywood actresses.

Is it only in the skies that women can fly free?

______
A Drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.

Women are Victims, not Provocateurs

“Baba has been misquoted”, the lady thundered. “What he meant to say was that if the rape victim, instead of fighting back, had chanted a prayer, and appealed to her rapists as brothers, she would have been spared.”

All I want to ask the lady is one thing. Will she be willing to put her faith on test by boarding a bus at night with six male passengers, with nothing more than prayer to keep her fears at bay?

When will people start accepting that women are victims of sexual assaults, not provocateurs? When will other women start accepting it?

________
A Drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.

Asking for it

There was a howl of protest when a minister proposed banning school-uniform skirts, to “protect” girls from sexual harassment. It sounds regressive, but I agree with him.

One of the things I learnt when I started working was to dress appropriately, and when in doubt err on the side of the conservative. The idea was to “fit in”.

Isn’t this similar? If men equate wearing skirts with “asking for it”, isn’t it better not to wear them? The ultimate solution is a change in mindset, but till that happens, if swapping skirts for pants will keep you safe, why not?

______ 

A Drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.

The first generation

Spotlessly clean uniforms- shirts tucked into their skirts. Hair neatly combed and plaited- every bow of the ribbon perfectly arranged. Sitting crosslegged in straight rows on the floor- backs straight, not ever fidgeting or whispering or passing notes.

I couldn’t help but compare the disciplined group of schoolgirls from a tiny tribal hamlet, with the unruly mob that inhabits the school my kids go to. The kids with movie-star hairdos and messy clothes, who unthinkingly flout every rule in the book!

It is obvious who values education more. Naturally too- they are the first generation to have access to it.

_____
I took this photograph in a one-room one-teacher school in a tribal hamlet near Bombay. The photograph taken in April forms a part of my Pictorial Flashback of 2012.

Change the World

This post is a part of Blog Action Day- "The Power of We"

Nestled high up in the Himalayas, Ladakh was an unspoilt paradise till tourists discovered the charms of its barren landscapes and Buddhist monasteries. They brought with them the polythene bag revolution; everyone wanted them. Like in every other part of India, garbage dumps were soon overflowing with polythene bags. Cows starting eating them, and falling sick; many even dying.

They could have waited for government to ban polythene bags, but the locals chose to do something about it themselves. They banded together and convinced the local community to boycott polythene bags.

Ladakh is now back to being an unspoilt paradise.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

Margaret Mead

______
This is the fourth year that I am going to be a part of NaBloWriM. The Plan is to elaborate (in 100 words) on a quote that touched my heart- let's see how far this takes me. If I can tie it in with the writing prompt, so much the better!

Not to be a lady

For a long time, I envied women who were ladies. Women who wore the right clothes, said the right things, and knew how to conduct themselves in social-settings. No matter how hard I tried, I could never become one.

Injustice bothers me, and I am not afraid to create a scene when faced with something that is Wrong. When I have something to say, I say it, without worrying about how many feathers it will ruffle.

Now I realize being a lady is not all that great- I would rather be a woman who stands up for what is Right.

On the International  Day of the Girl, Nora Ephron's words are so true-

"Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women."
Nora Ephron

______
This is the fourth year that I am going to be a part of NaBloWriM. The Plan is to elaborate (in 100 words) on a quote that touched my heart- let's see how far this takes me. If I can tie it in with the writing prompt, so much the better!

The Man who Dreamt. The Man who Did

Game-Changer is not a term I use often, but nothing describes Dr. Verghese Kurien better than that.

In a nation talking about socialism but doing little to implement it, he created a co-operative movement that successfully took on the might of multinational firms. Long before it became fashionable to talk about it, he realized that true change can only start with the financial empowerment of women. He brought about a paradigm shift by taking a model that worked in a few hundred villages and replicating it across the nation.

Visionary, Leader, Manager.

The Man who Dreamt. The Man who Did.

Verghese Kurien

(November 26, 1921 – September 9, 2012 )

Requiescat in pace

_______________

Is this Independence?

Sixty-five years ago, the tricolour flag was unfurled for the first time in Independent India. The nation will be truly free”, Mahatma Gandhi said, “only when its women are free.” 

There were women doctors in the army, and a woman represented the nation in the United Nations- one hoped women would take their position as equal partners in the newly independent India.

Decades later, that dream is still a dream. Men outnumber women ten for nine. Women have no say in shaping their lives. Society dictates how women should dress; women are raped if they don’t comply.

Is this Independence?

It needs to change

“What would you like to change about woman’s boxing?”, an Indian boxer was asked.

“Nothing”, she replied. “It is society that I would like to change.” Her comment was as spot on as her punches.

An organization puts up posters threatening to throw acid on the face of women who dare wear jeans, and the police doesn’t take any action against them. A woman is raped in board daylight on a busy street- a cameraman shoots it live and broadcasts it on TV, but does nothing to prevent the crime.

Any society that treats women so, does need to change.

The greatest gift

“But I can’t do it”, my son told me.

“Of course you can.” I didn’t particularly want him to jump off branch, but even less did I want him to walk away from a challenge he set for himself.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!”

He closed his eyes, pushed himself off, and landed perfectly on his feet.

“How did you know I could do it?”, he asked me much later.

“Because my parents taught me that if you believe you can do something, you can do it”, I told him.

The greatest gift a parent can give a child is self-belief.

International Woman's Day

We are the lucky ones. We may struggle fit into one day all that we are required to, but we know Choice. We may complain and crib (mostly with reason), but we do have a voice that is heard.

Many others are not as lucky. Because of their gender, they are killed even before they can be born, or allowed to die before they reach early childhood. They are deprived of basic needs, and treated as little more than a commodity in a male dominated society.

For them, and for us; purple for dignity, white for purity, green for hope.

Happy Woman's Day

_____

A drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.