Instead of banning abortions, let's stop unwanted pregnancies

 [First published in Women's Web]

The US Supreme Court, through the landmark Roe v/s Wade judgement, protected the liberty of a pregnant woman to choose to have an abortion without excessive government restriction. With the Supreme Court now voting to strike down the 49 year old decision, the state is once again denying women the right to take decisions which impact their bodies and their lives.

The “Pro Life” faction argues that life is sacred and therefore abortions must be disallowed. Despite all the emotional and physical trauma that a pregnant woman might go through on account of an unwanted pregnancy, they argue that the life of the foetus is more important than any suffering that the woman might go through, and so abortions should not be allowed. However, what they conveniently ignore is the fact that easiest way to prevent abortions is to prevent unwanted pregnancies, and if they were serious about ending abortions, what they should actually do is to focus on preventing unwanted pregnancies.

Let’s unpick that. Why do women get pregnant? Women get pregnant when men ejaculate inside them. Sometimes, the ejaculation is consensual, but when the man ejaculates despite the woman not being physically, financially or emotionally ready to become a mother, he causes an unwanted pregnancy. Simply put, the best way to stop unwanted pregnancies from happening is for men to stopped ejaculating inside women without their consent. This can be done in either of two painless ways- the man can either use a condom, or pull out before ejaculation.

If preventing an unwanted pregnancy is as simple and painless as using a condom everytime you have sex, why then do all men not use it, except when they are trying to get pregnant? That is apparently because condoms marginally reduce the pleasure of sex and men do not want to compromise on that. So essentially, when a man has sex without a condom, what he is saying is that for a few extra moments of heightened pleasure he is willing to risk getting his partner pregnant. Clearly the man is either unaware of the physical and emotional discomfort of pregnancy, the expense of child bearing and child rearing and the opportunities his partner will miss out on because of motherhood- or, he just doesn’t care.

Essentially, therefore, by causing an unwanted pregnancy, the man is saying that he chooses a few moments of pleasure over something that will adversely impact the entire trajectory of his partner’s life. Yet, by not focussing on ending unwanted pregnancies, the “Pro Life” lobby enables such men to get away, and instead punishes the woman who is already a victim of the selfishness and irresponsibility of the man.

If a woman doesn’t want to get pregnant, why can’t she use birth control, the “pro lifers” may ask.

More women would certainly use oral contraceptives if they didn’t have a long list of harmful side effects, ranging from nausea and headaches to weight gain and unnatural pigmentation. For lack of a better alternative, women who lead a regular and active sex life may still consider using oral contraceptives. However, it requires daily use and does not allow any disruptions and therefore is not always fool proof.

More importantly, given the fact that it needs to be taken daily, and has a long list of side effects, oral contraceptives do not make much sense for a woman who does not have a regular sex life. You cannot simply pop a pill the morning before you are intending to have sex, and expect it to work- you should be taking it regularly so it syncs with the natural ovulation cycle. While there are emergency contraceptive pills which can be had after an unexpected ejaculation, the efficacy in preventing an unwanted pregnancy is low. These are best used only as a fall-back option in case of failure of other contraceptives.

Other birth control measures which act as physical barriers to the passage of semen also make sense only if the woman is leading an active sex life. More importantly, since most of them can be used only under the supervision of a medical practitioner, it is extremely hard for an unmarried woman to brave societal judgement and access them.

Condoms, thus, remain, the most foolproof and easiest way to prevent unwanted pregnancies. If we are serious about stopping abortions, the best way is to promote the use of condoms.

When we know that the use of condoms prevents unwanted pregnancies, why then is its usage not more widespread? The simple reason is that it requires men to take action, but the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy are borne entirely by the woman, not by the man, so there is no incentive for him to take precautions.

Unless the couple are in a relationship, the man may not even be aware of the fact that his irresponsible ejaculation caused a pregnancy. While an unwanted pregnancy can wreck havoc in the life of the woman, the man does not face any consequences at all. It is the woman who suffers the physical trauma of pregnancy and an abortion. If she is forced to bear the child to term, she needs to put up with the physical discomfort for nine months, it is her lifestyle that is curtailed and she is the one who needs to , and has to bear with an abortion. , it is her lifestyle that gets curtailed and she who is judged. She bears the pain of childbirth, and once born, she faces either the emotional trauma of putting the child up for adoption or ends up having to build her life around a newborn child. During all this, the man who has contributed 50% of the DNA may not even be aware that the intercourse led to a pregnancy.

Since men seem unwilling to use condoms, is there any other way to prevent irresponsible ejaculations? The simplest way is through mandatory vasectomies as soon as a man attains puberty. Vasectomies are safe, reversible, and have virtually no side effects except soreness for a couple of days. It is certainly much safer than oral contraceptives with a wide range of side effects, and pregnancy with all the attendant physical and mental trauma.

When a man is ready to have a baby with his partner, the vasectomy can be reversed, and redone once the child birthing phase is over. By preventing 100% unwanted pregnancies, this can virtually eliminate abortions. While there will certainly be men who complain about the sheer number of “unnecessary” medical procedures this will entail, isn’t it is much better than unwanted pregnancies and all the attendant physical and medical issues associated with it?

Seeking a ban on abortions is extremely easy because it involves policing women’s bodies and their choices- something society has been doing for generations. What is much harder is finding a foolproof way to prevent unwanted pregnancies. It is necessary to drive the point home that while women bear the consequences of unwanted pregnancies, it is men who are responsible for the pregnancies and should take accountability to prevent them.

If people genuinely want to prevent abortions, the conversation must shift from restricting what a woman can do, to holding men accountable.

None of the birth control options available to women is fool proof and/ or safe, but both condoms and vasectomies are. Before telling women that they cannot have abortions, lawmakers should focus on men and on preventing unwanted pregnancies.

As the joke goes, if men got pregnant, abortions would be available in ATMs. Once men are held accountable for unwanted pregnancies, new and better birth control will certainly be developed, and the number of abortions will fall drastically. All it needs is for men to be held accountable.

The Elections

[This is a work of fiction. A drabble in poetry form].

He was the dreaded school bully,

She the topper of her class.

She despised school politics, but since 

Nobody wanted to challenge him,

She ran against him for School Captain.

They all certainly hated him, 

But were not sure of her either.

She generously shared her notes, 

But could she bark orders?

All the teachers loved her, 

But maybe a bit too much?

She won honours for the school, 

But somehow just didn’t look the part.

She was brilliant, but didn’t she lack

The commanding presence to lead?

But

But

But 

More than half the school despised him-

He won.

Home

 Home-

Where the crocuses bloom

Fields of mauve with a heart of saffron.

This realm of mine

Caressed me, smothered me, didn’t let me breathe.

Home-

Where the sunset paints

Distant mountaintops in fiery shades.

My life was on fire too

Warm and seductive; reducing me to embers.

Home-

Where the chinar leaves

Twirl gracefully after letting go the brough.

Did I dance

When I had to flee; dangers I could not face.

Home-

Were icy waters

Skip gleefully over well rounded rocks.

I live my life

Haunted by the life I should have led.

Home-

Where the Jhelum flows

Red with all the blood we have spilled.

I long to return

To the paradise my heart never left.

The Largest Minority in India

 Which is the largest minority in India? Not the Muslims, not even the Dalits. Making up close to half the population, it is Women who are the largest minority in the country. And like in any other calamity, it is women who are going to be worst affected by NRC.

Baby girls are grudgingly allowed into the world. Families hope that they will disappear through neglect. Some do, but most survive. But do families have their documents in order? Most unlikely. When many even escape the Census, what hope they will survive NRC?

The Board Exams is when most of us get our documents regularised. Nearly 40% girls drop out before completing school, and only a third of them are engaged in formal work. Very easy for them to remain under the radar and not have the documents they need.

Post marriage, women taken on an entirely new identity. Different surname, often a different name. Old documents become redundant. New ones are created with sketchy backgrounds. Dates get mixed up in new documents. How much of it will stand up to scrutiny, nobody knows.

Women are often kept out of documentation to ensure they don't claim their share of the inheritance and/ or pension. It is brothers and uncles and cousins who do it. Some women fight back, but most don't. Their have a new home, but their documentation remains hazy.

There are women who fall by the wayside. The woman sent to the city to work in the informal sector. The maids, the construction workers. Some marry, and on losing one husband, take on another. Names and details change multiple times. Even they don't remember who they are.

Sex workers who taken on half a dozen identities every night. No matter how they landed up where they did, they certainly do not have documents to fall back on. And what of their children? No father, undocumented mother. What is their fate?

The trafficked girls abducted or bought to serve as 'wives' in states with poor gender balance. Domestic workers by day, sex slaves by night, living where they don't even know the language. When their documents are sought, will they be kept or cast aside?

Except a small percentage of privileged women, most are going to be affected by NRC. Who speaks for them? Who fights for their rights to be citizens of India? What happens to them if they are found wanting? How many camps will be needed to house them all.

Who speaks for them?

How do I survive Islamophobia

 [A couple of days back, someone on Twitter posed the question- “With so many negative messages being bombarded at them, how do some Hindus not fall victim to Islamophobia? How do they manage to insulate themselves against hate? I thought the question was slightly misplaced, because not giving in to hatred should be the norm, and not something that is celebrated. However, it did lead to a fair bit of introspection, and this is the slightly self-indulgent reply I came up with.]

How do I survive Islamophobia? Why do I not give in to hate? How do I find the strength (like many others) to stand up for what is right?

With so many people, especially in India, giving in to Islamophobia, or at least normalising it, the questions seem like important ones. But for me, the answer is simple. I consistently speak up against Islamophobia because that is who I was brought up to be.

The Hinduism I inherited was an all inclusive one. Both my grandmothers were ritualistic Hindus, but their religion had space for other faiths. In her Kanjeevaram madisar and vaira mookuti, one grandmother would visit Nagore Darga and Velankanni Church with the same faith as she would any temple. In all the years that she lived in Bombay, the other grandmother never once missed the Wednesday Novena at Mahim Church. She went to Mahalakshi Temple every Friday, and always stopped at Haji Ali on the way back. To both my grandmothers, every system of faith and worship could find place in their lives. Once I asked my grandmother why she had a picture of Jesus and Mary in her shrine. Her answer was simple. Mariamman is a Mother Goddess who looks after her children. A role had been assigned to her. That is the Hinduism I inherited. A religion of co-existence. When you grow up with a faith that encompasses all humanity, it is hard to relate to assertions that Hinduism “khatre me hai”. My Krishna is sneaking Amul butter out of my fridge; my Saraswati is borrowing my books and making notes on the margins. Neither of them care about a temple; they are everywhere. Nobody can take them away from me. My faith will be mine always.

When I am fed Islamophobic bigotry by family or friends, I just feel sorry for them. Why did they trade their all-encompassing religion for the narrow one of bigotry and hate? Love fills you with joy, why choose hate? Earlier, it used to hurt when openly bigoted statements were uttered. But I have trained myself to ignore them. The statements merely expose how little love the people uttering them have in their hearts.

For me, not giving in to Islamophobia is easy. Speaking up against it is harder. Islamophobes do not differentiate between handles; a Hindu speaking up against Islamophobia is attacked and trolled as much as a Muslim. I have been called anti-national, unpatriotic, and jehadi. I have been asked go to Pakistan (why nobody sends me to New Zealand, is beyond me), and to join the ISIS; both of which I have declined to do.

Sometimes, people throw random facts at you, and ask you to defend them. You are asked to explain quotes that are taken out of context. Worst of all, sometimes Muslims themselves turn against you, and insinuate that your concern is superficial. Most of these issues are not unique to Hindus; anyone taking a stand against Islamophobia is subject to them. It is particularly bad when you are attacked by a pack of trolls, and some encounters leave you physically drained.

When standing up against hate can be so difficult, why do I continue? Because I was commanded to do so. In his last letter to me my grandfather wrote, “if you are lucky, in your lifetime you will be asked to choose between what is right and what is easy. That will define who you are.” It was his benediction, and I am living it now. I cannot back out from the responsibility entrusted on me by him. Once I was targeted viciously by someone I cared about. “You are a traitor to your caste. Your forefathers must be so ashamed of your treachery.” It was meant to hurt, but it only strengthened me. The person targeting me does not know who my grandparents were. By drawing attention to them, she only reminded me that my grandparents would be proud of me for standing up for what is right.

There is so much hate and bigotry in the world, and so much of it is so well organized to stamp out individual voices of dissent. There are days when you are emotionally drained. There are days when you question if you are making any difference. There are days when you are tempted to withdraw. But those days do not come only to Hindus- they come to everyone who stands up against bigotry. And because you know you are not alone, you soldier on.

When you feel like giving up, you remember how you saw fear in the eyes of your Uber driver on May 23 when he had to pick you up from a street where celebratory firecrackers were being burst. You remember how silent he was during the entire journey, and how his face lit up when you looked him in the eye and said “Ramzan Mubarak”. You know the power of love. And you know you will keep fighting until hate is defeated and coexistence is normalized.

Most of it is not your fight alone. It is the fight of everyone standing up against bigotry and hate. Each of us have our own reasons why continue to speak up. This is mine- I cannot do otherwise.

Can anything justify....

RIP
Reeva Steenkamp

It was hard to process the news that Oscar Pistorius had shot his girlfriend dead on Valentine’s Day. Why would a man at the pinnacle of his success feel the need to do any such thing, I wondered. But his statement that it was a case of mistaken identity was even more disturbing.

Yes, breaking in and entering is a crime. Yes, a burglar must be punished. And if the system has broken down, it is cause for concern. But can anything justify taking a man’s life, merely because he is stealing your material possessions? Have we sunk so low?
______
A Drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.

Women are Victims, not Provocateurs

“Baba has been misquoted”, the lady thundered. “What he meant to say was that if the rape victim, instead of fighting back, had chanted a prayer, and appealed to her rapists as brothers, she would have been spared.”

All I want to ask the lady is one thing. Will she be willing to put her faith on test by boarding a bus at night with six male passengers, with nothing more than prayer to keep her fears at bay?

When will people start accepting that women are victims of sexual assaults, not provocateurs? When will other women start accepting it?

________
A Drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.

Asking for it

There was a howl of protest when a minister proposed banning school-uniform skirts, to “protect” girls from sexual harassment. It sounds regressive, but I agree with him.

One of the things I learnt when I started working was to dress appropriately, and when in doubt err on the side of the conservative. The idea was to “fit in”.

Isn’t this similar? If men equate wearing skirts with “asking for it”, isn’t it better not to wear them? The ultimate solution is a change in mindset, but till that happens, if swapping skirts for pants will keep you safe, why not?

______ 

A Drabble is a story told in exactly 100 words.

A Brand New Year

January 1, 2013.

The First Day of a Brand New Year.

MMXII has now taken its place in History. The much-hyped Apocalypse never materialized. Despite our best efforts, we weren’t able to wipe each other out. The year will be remembered for a lot that is better forgotten. Tragedies that could have been avoided, anguish that need not have been. That book has now been closed; a new one opened.

In MMXIII, I hope we remember the lessons that we so painfully learnt learnt last year. And that we work together to make the World a Better Place for All.

The Object of our Lust

She was professionally qualified, well-connected, in a well-paying job.

He was an unskilled migrant, a casual labourer in job paying minimum wages.

He lived in a slum community, she lived in the swanky apartment complex where he worked as a security guard.

He made a crude pass at her. She turned him down as firmly and politely as she could.

He couldn’t accept it. How could she, a mere Female, dare turn him, a Virile Male, down? Weren’t Women created solely to satisfy the urges of Men?

That night, he let himself into her apartment and stabbed her to death.

"I will far rather see the race of man extinct than that we should become less than beasts by making the noblest of God's creation, woman, the object of our lust." - Mahatma Gandhi

______
This is the fourth year that I am going to be a part of NaBloWriMo. The Plan is to elaborate (in 100 words) on a quote that touched my heart- let's see how far this takes me. If I can tie it in with the writing prompt, so much the better!
Today is the Birth Anniversary of Mahatma Gandhi. This incident that happened a few months back shows how far we have come from his ideals.

No words to describe it

Normally, I do not blog about current affairs, believing instead that what we need is long-term systemic change. But after telling my mother (and harshest/ best critic) that I would not blog about what's happening in my country today, I realized it is a part of the larger picture.

Conflict over land is the oldest reason for people to go to war. When the local tribal population in Assam targets illegal immigrants from Bangladesh, religion doesn’t enter the picture- they are merely protecting their land.

But since the tribals are Hindu and the immigrants Muslim, in the holy month of Ramzan, it can be projected as a religious war. People who cannot locate Assam on the map can be incited into joining the ‘jihad’. People originally from the region can be made to fear for their lives, and rush back home to safety.

Deplorable. Shameful. Words cannot describe it.
________

Disclaimer- The photograph is not meant to imply I blame these ladies in any way. I use the picture, because I know that in their emancipation lies a part of the solution