Monday, July 26, 2010

Four Years

Four years. Exactly four years.

Four years since I lost the most wonderful father anyone could hope to have.

But was it four years back that I lost him? Didn’t I actually lose him the day he stopped recognizing me?

And have I really lost him? Isn’t he still around? I can feel his approval when I do something really well, and I can sense his anxiety when I am in trouble. He is as much with me today as he ever was.

It has been four years. But four years since what?

Four years since he breathed his last.

"Pops, I can try to convince myself otherwise, but I can't stop missing you."


Ellie said...

Well written but sad! It has been 30 yrs for me~xXx

Margot Kinberg said...

Rayna - What a lovely and loving tribute! He does live on, I believe, in your memory and in the memories of others who knew him. And your tribute makes him, in a way, immortal.

RosieC said...

This is beautiful. It's been almost 2 years for me. Your attitude inspires me to remember that he's not actually gone as long as we remember and as long as we still love those who've left us. Thank you :)

Cruella Collett said...

Every time you write about your father I am left with the same bittersweet smile on my lips, because it always shines through how much emotion there is in those texts. That you still love him, and keep him alive in your memory, but that you also miss him, terribly.

I think this is one of the first times I've actually seen his picture, though. The similarity between the two of you is striking.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Hugs to you today.

Mason Canyon said...

He does live on through you and your children because you will pass along so much from him to them. Mine has been gone 40 years and it's still hard.

Thoughts in Progress

Clarissa Draper said...

If that's you as a baby in the first photo, your father looks so proud. I'm sure he's always been proud of you and all the work you've done for others.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Jules said...

This a beautiful thought process. I wish I could write this well in such few words. :)

Jenny S. said...

Thanks for sharing this personal and poignant piece of your life. It brought tears to my eyes.

I don't think we ever stop missing our dads.

Mary said...

Hugs and thoughts to you.
It's only two years for me and it doesn't seem to get any easier.

Carol Fleisher said...

what a beautiful post. It's hard not to miss those we love. We can take comfort in knowing that there will always be a part of them with us. (((Hugs)))

Helen Ginger said...

21 years for me. And I would say I lost him when he died, not when he no longer remembered me. He may not have known me for those last years, but I knew and remembered him.

Karen Walker said...

Rayna, how beautiful. And thank you, too, for your beautiful words on my blog today. They touched my heart.

Amy said...

Your drabbles are so well-written; sometimes it's hard to distinguish fact from fiction, especially because I don't know you as well as everyone else does.

This drabble, in particular, is so emotional and honest. It's wonderful that you can still feel him with you.

Anonymous said...

I can feel your heart felt thoughts and emotions through your blog. Wonderfully written drabble. Thanks for sharing with us.

Stephen Tremp

welcome to my world of poetry said...

I do feel for you Rayna, it's awful to lose a parent I lst my mum 12 yrs ago 2 weeks ago. My own dad passed a away when I was three so never had a father figure in my life. Time may heal but it's days like today that memories come flooding back.

Take care.

dipali said...

All my love, my dear. These losses are so permanent- we are never quite the same.
Your father looks so enthused in the second photograph. And very handsome.
The first picture is such a charmer.

KarenG said...

What a dear post. An what a sweet tribute to your father. He looks like a kind, intelligent, loving man.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Ellie- I am sorry, Ellie. Does it get any better?

@ Margot- thank you. And as long as people remember them, the people who pass on are immortal, aren't they?

@ RosieC - so true. And sorry to hear about your father.

@ Cruella- he was very special. No matter how many times I say it, it is not enough. And I never saw the resemblance till you mentioned it.

@ Debra- thank you.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Mason- I am sorry. And no, I am sure the pain never completely goes away.

@ Clarissa- that is me as a baby. He was 37, and I was his first born. Naturally, I meant the world to him.

@ Jules- thank you. I was crying, so couldn't write more.

@ Jenny- thank you. And no, I don't think we ever forget our fathers

@ Mary- two years is too soon. I am sorry.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Carol- there will, wouldn't there?

@ Helen- as I am sure we still do. So they are not really gone, are they?

@ Karen- you are a lovely person, Karen.

@ Amy- this one is true, and thank you. And you do have a point- maybe I should label the ones that are fiction.

@ Stephen- thank you. Writing does make you feel the person is still around.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Yvonne - I can't even start to imagine how it must be not to have known a father at all. I am sorry, really sorry.

@ dipali- they are there, and yet they are not. It is so hard sometimes to make up your mind how to deal with the loss.
And that photograph is so precious, because though he had a great sense of humour, he smiled very seldom.

@ KarenG- he is all of that, and more. Thank you.

Michelle Davidson Argyle said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I still have my father although he has battled cancer. It has been scary to think of what I can loose so easily. You're in my prayers. *hugs*

Jemi Fraser said...

Lovely - I've lost my dad as well - I echo the sentiments.

The Alliterative Allomorph said...

So sorry :(, but you write about it beautifully. Gorgeous photographs too. xoxo

LTM said...

LOVE this. Love the writing, the emotions, the photo. Beautiful.

so sorry for your loss~ :o|

Michele Emrath said...

Between you and Helen, I'm sobbing today!

I'm sorry for your loss. But it looks like he was one lucky father.


Deb and Barbara said...

You have a real talent for making me smile, cry, and think all at once!

I still have my father, but this reminded me of my beloved father-in-law who I lost almost exactly 15 years ago. He too was 37 when his first child was born. Your father reminds me of him. He was a treasure and we miss him still.


Chary Johnson said...

Beautiful! This brought tears to my eyes. Well-written.

Jane Kennedy Sutton said...

My father passed away two years ago this month, so I really identified with your beautiful tribute.

slommler said...

What a beautiful tribute to your father. I lost my father 25 years ago. So much he has missed in my life...but I feel his presence still to this day!!

Kathi Oram Peterson said...

I understand your pain. I lost my father 9 years ago and yet it feels like yesterday.

Theres just life said...

I know what your going threw. For me it was my mother 9 years ago, right after Mother's Day.

Al said...

Your post is so sad, yet a celebration too.
Our loved ones do always seem close, yet the pain remains.

Laura Eno said...

This is such a lovely tribute, Rayna. Those in our hearts are never gone and we can speak to them in the still moments.

... and that's all said...

That's why it is felt that missing someone is a great resource for recollecting someone perennially.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Michelle- thank you. And I hope your father has many more happy years with you.

@ Jemi- thank you, and I am sorry for your loss.

@ Jessica- thank you.

@ Leigh- thank you. The photographs are taken by my mother's uncle- he was a brilliant photographer.

@ Michele- I was one lucky kid to have him as a father, as were you, actually to have yours.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Barbara- he does sound wonderful.

@ Chary- thank you.

@ Jane- thank you, and sorry for your loss.

@ SueAnn- we do always have them with us, don't we?

@ Kathi- I do think you never quite get over it.

Rayna M. Iyer said...

@ Theres just life- that must have been really aweful.

@ Al- yes, they are always there, but never quite there.

@ Laura- we can speak to them, can't we? Thank you.

@ ... and that's all- it is. Absolutely.


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