“I Want To Be Like You”: That Woman Who Inspires

[Every young woman needs that someone who shows her what she can be. Each of us has it in us to be that someone who shows another what they can be. First published in Women's Web]

I was in grade 5, when Lekha joined as a Management Trainee in the Company where my father worked. Till that point, I had been an overachiever academically, but I had only the vaguest idea of what I could be.

Lekha changed that.

Lekha dressed differently from the other women. She laughed with more confidence. When men spoke about her, they spoke with a deference not normally accorded to other women. When women spoke about her, it was with a tinge of envy. Above all, she lived alone in her own tastefully done up studio apartment with white net curtains.

I had no idea what Lekha did. But I wanted to be like her.

I wanted to be independent.

I wanted to take my own decisions.

I wanted to be someone in my own right.

Like Lekha.

“The idea of possibility, the idea that I get to live my dreams out in public, hopefully, will show to other folks that it’s possible.” – Transgender activist Laverne Cox

Lekha is an engineer. I didn’t follow her career path. But she showed me what I could be.

She was the inspiration a pre-teen me needed.

Many years later…

I was staying in a guest house while advising a PSU on its potential divestment. In a place reserved for middle and top management, I was the object of curiosity both because of  my relative youth and because of my gender.

One night, at dinner, a family that was also staying at the guest house befriended me. I was bombarded with the usual questions – why was I there, who was I with, where did I work, was I married. After fielding the questions, more out of curiosity than anything else, I asked their teenage daughter what she wanted to be.

“I want to be like you”, she said.

Life had come a full cycle.

She had no idea who I was, what I had studied or what work I did. All she could see was an older woman who was someone in her own right, undefined by her relationship to a man.

That independence appealed to her. And she wanted to be the same.

“You cannot be what you cannot see.”

Female role models are important. When young girls see women doing well on their terms, it empowers them to work harder against gender biases, institutional barriers and negative stereotypes and achieve more.

Be that role model if you can.

Should the legal age of marriage be raised to 21?

 [On the face of it, Yes. But there are nuances that need to be considered. Published in Women's Web]

The Union Cabinet has cleared a proposal to raise the legal age of marriage for women from 18 to 21, and will be introducing a Bill seeking the Amendment soon. On the face of it, it seems like a great move, but if you look at the ground reality, is it really such a good idea to raise the age of marriage for women from 18 to 21?

As per current statistics, upto 30% of women in India were married before the age of 18*, despite the fact that the legal age for marriage was set at 18 years in 1978. This conclusively proves that the law alone is not a deterrent against child marriage.

Many of us believe that child marriage is due to lack of awareness about the minimum legal age of marriage. However, the causes are actually much deeper. It is for convivence, out of concern for the safety of the child, or because of societal pressures.

In families/ communities where women are not encouraged to go out to work, there is little to be gained by educating a girl beyond a certain level. Such girls are married off as soon as a suitable groom is found. Typically in these families the search for a groom begins after the girl attains puberty, and she is often married soon after completing her class 10 board exams.

In households where both parents engage in labour, even if the girl is sent to high school, she is forced to stay alone at home for a few hours every day after school. Parents perceive this as a risk, so unless there are safe after school activities, they get the girl married off as soon as possible. Typically, such marriages take place after the girl graduates from the local school, and needs to travel to another village for further studies.

In many communities, traditional livelihoods require a woman to assist her husband in a part of the livelihood process (to give a few examples- toddy tappers need wives to make jaggery, weavers are assisted by their women in the preparatory process, sugarcane harvesting requires a couple to work in tandem). In such communities, girls are necessarily married off early since their economic value is unlocked only after marriage (in some communities which rely on entertainment as a source of income, even girls as young as 14 are married off).

Once a girl attains puberty, her “safety” becomes of prime concern to the family. If the family suspects she may be in a relationship, or that someone “unsuitable” is interested in her, she is typically married off to the first man the family can find. The legal age of marriage then works against her, because she needs to wait to attain that age for fear her parents will have the marriage annulled otherwise, but the family has no such fear.

Though we often think that child marriage is a product of poverty, it is not. Even in “well to do” and “well placed” families if a suitable match is found, the girl is engaged to be married, and the wedding solemnised as soon as she turns 18. If the match is extremely “good”, and if the groom’s family is unwilling to wait, the wedding takes place even before the bride turns 18.

All these factors ensure that the rate of “child marriage” in India is between 27% (UNICEF) to 47% (ICRW), despite the fact that the legal age of marriage was set at 18 more than 2 generations ago.

What, then will happen if the legal age is raised to 21? It will not necessarily delay marriages. All that will happen is that the percentage of women being married before legal age will shoot up, making the woman far more vulnerable than she now is.

Assuming a family allows the girl to study upto Class XII, she will graduate high school at the age of 17/ 18. What after that? Most families do not want their girls to travel long distances either to work or to go to college, so unless there is a college that is perceived as “safe” in the neighbourhood, she will be kept at home for 3 years.

OR, she will be married off. Regardless of what the law says.

If the law refuses to recognise a union conducted before legal age, then the “child-bride” will not have any legal rights in her marital home. She will be far more vulnerable to emotional, physical and sexual abuse than she is now where the law is on her side. In case of pregnancies and unwanted pregnancies, she will be subject to unnecessary harassment, and this could even lead to unsafe abortions.

The law will also work against women who want to marry partners who are deemed “unsuitable” by their families. They will necessarily have to wait till she turns 21 for fear of the family using the law to pull them apart. But if the family suspects such a union, they will get her married before legal age since they do not have any such fear.

What then is the solution?

Education

Awareness

Empowerment

What is needed is to work at the community level to create awareness on why child marriage is not desirable both from the health perspective and from a social perspective.

What is needed is for the community to recognise that a woman is as capable as a man in creating economic value, she will no longer be seen as a burden which is to be set down at the earliest possible.

Once this happens, the age of marriage will go up organically.

I have personally witnessed this in two communities where we worked over a sustained period.

In one rural community, the average age of marriage for girls was 14, which coincided with the end of schooling in the local government school. Once the community realised the value of continuing the education, and began sending them to high school in the nearest town, the number of child marriages dwindled. After graduating from high school, many of the girls who would otherwise have been married at 14 enrolled in technical/ vocational courses, and the community was determined to not get them married till they were economically independent.

The experience in an urban slum community was equally dramatic. Girls were earliest married at the age of 15 or 16, but after a few years of intervention, the average age of marriage shot up to above 20. In that community it is common to see families where the first born girl(s) were child brides, but their younger siblings are in college, and where the mother proudly declare, “we will get our daughter married only when she wants it.”

History has shown that enacting a law alone has not been enough to deter child marriage. What is needed is sustained behaviour change communication at the community level to ensure that the community recognises the value of educating and empowering the girl child.

Lokmanya Tilak exemplifies this contradiction between the legal and the personal. At a time when girls were married before puberty and many died at childbirth when the marriage was consummated, he opposed raising the legal age of marriage to 14. It was his belief that the law should not “meddle” in the personal life of people, and that we should, instead, focus on changing behaviour. He followed up by ensured that his own daughters were not married before the age of 16.

One can challenge Tilak’s position on the grounds that a law was needed to save the lives of the child brides who’s bodies were ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth before they were ready for it. However, that is no longer the case today. While it is desirable for a woman to get married at 21 rather than at 18, the lower age of marriage is not a health risk. Hence, it is better to lead the change from the social perspective.

Before talking of raising the legal age of marriage for girls, let us first ensure that the existing law is implemented.

* this is an approximation. Studies from reputed agencies show the figure as anything between 27% to 47%.

Annihilation of Caste- a critical review

 [My impressions after reading Annihilation of Caste, by Dr. Ambedkar]

I first read Dr. Ambedkar’s essay a few years back when I had just started thinking about caste and how it is important to acknowledge caste exists and working to dismantle it, instead of sweeping it under the rug of poverty alleviation.

Why did I re-read Annihilation of Caste?

In the years between the first read to now, I have sharpened my own thinking. Had numerous discussions (often acrimonious ones) with Ambedkarites who speak glibly about “destruction of Hinduism” without getting into how they propose to do it, or what they will replace Hinduism with. I have witnessed Amebdkarites lock horns with Communists and as a keen but dispassionate observer seen how each calls the other casteist for approaching the issue of casteism from different directions (I also saw how at Gail Omvedt’s funeral, chants of “Jai Bheem” and “Lal Salam” were raised in tandem). Above all, I have seen how everyone who quotes AoC seems to have no clue about how to go about doing what they want to do.

I picked up the “Annihilation of Caste: with a reply to Mahatma Gandhi” with the full weight of expectations on it. I had already internalised the issues relating to caste privilege and of how relative economic affluence does not necessarily translate into lack of social oppression. I had no doubt that “….the real method of breaking up the Caste System was not to bring about inter-caste dinners and inter-caste marriages but to destroy the religious notions on which Caste was founded”. I recognise that what is needed is “social reform in the sense of the reorganization and reconstruction of the Hindu Society”. What I really expected from the book was the “how”. How does one bring about the destruction of a practice sanctioned by religion.

Unfortunately no solutions are offered

Alas, no solutions were offered. Dr Ambedkar says, and rightly that “To ask people to give up Caste is to ask them to go contrary to their fundamental religious notions.” Since caste system is a hierarchy in which the divisions of labourers are graded one above the other, when people seek the annihilation of caste, they stand to lose as much as they gain. There is a great incentive for preserving the status quo, especially since to get out of that, you need to take on the entire nation.

Dr. Ambedkar calls for the “ancient rules of life be annulled” and that “its place … be taken by a Religion of Principles, which alone can lay claim to being a true Religion.” Drawing a distinction between principles and rules, he rightly points out that “the principle may be wrong but the act is conscious and responsible. The rule may be right but the act is mechanical. A religious act may not be a correct act but must at least be a responsible act.”

However, he leaves it at that. He urges Hindus to take on the task of overthrowing the religion which has too many inflexible and inhuman rules, and replacing it with “a society based on Liberty, Equality and Fraternity.” But he doesn’t tell us how to make that happen.

In the context of 1936, and given the fact that the address was to be made to a society which was working towards annihilation of caste, the fact that he doesn’t offer solutions doesn’t matter. What is disappointing is that today the work is selectively quoted, and his vague calls for action are offered as solutions. Which they are not. I felt let down because the book did not address what I sought.

Which should come first- political reforms or social?

There was a long analysis on the order in which political reforms, economic reforms and social reforms could take place. How a person addresses that question depends on where they stand. Someone from a privileged social position will prioritise political reforms since that affects them most deeply. But post-Independence history has shown that unless one continues demanding social reform after attaining political reform, it gets missed out. In the context of today, in my opinion, since the prevailing political ideology is pushing society towards greater casteism, political reforms will need to be dealt with on priority, though social reforms continue in parallel.

Read the book if you are looking to learn about caste system

If you are looking to learn about the caste system, and why it should be weeded out completely, this is the book for you. To illustrate how petty the upholders of the caste system could be, one example from the book would suffice.

In November 1935, some untouchable women of well-to-do families started fetching water in metal pots. The Hindus looked upon the use of metal pots by untouchables as an affront to their dignity and assaulted the untouchable women for their impudence.

Similarly, people from the lower caste were not permitted to consume ghee, wear gold bordered clothes, or gold/ silver jewelry (things have not changed much- even today they are not permitted to ride horses during wedding celebrations or style their moustaches in a way deemed inappropriate).

As Dr. Ambedkar puts it, caste system is not, as popularly thought ‘division of labour’. It is the division of labourers, in a tightly controlled and static manner.

However, if (like I did) you are seeking answers to questions you are already asking, you may be disappointed because he too is asking those same questions.

The distinction between rules and principles

Dr. Ambedkar made a distinction between rules and principles. Rules are practical, principles are intellectual.

“Rules seek to tell an agent just what course of action to pursue . Principles do not prescribe a specific course of action. A principle supplies a main head by reference to which he is to consider the bearings of his desires and purposes , it guides him in his thinking by suggesting to him the important consideration which he should bear in mind.”

He rightly points out that even when a rule is right, the act of obeying it is mechanical, and even if the principle is wrong, the act is conscious and responsible. Since a religious act should be a conscious act, “Religion must mainly be a matter of principles only . It cannot be a matter of rules.” Unfortunately, however, as Mahatma Gandhi points out in his response to the essay, by this rule, most religions will fail.

Why did I give the book 4 stars and not 5?

I would have still given the book five stars- that the author offers no solutions does not in any way take away from the phenomenal work done by him in explaining the intricacies of the caste system.

The reason I gave the book only 4 stars was because I did not find him a totally unbiased observer. For example, a lot of what Dr. Ambedkar said about Hinduism holds equally true for all religions. Almost all religions are dogmatic, almost all religions discourage reasoning, almost all religions are a collection of static rules. Yet, only Hinduism was singled out for criticism. Since it was about the caste system, I can understand why that might be so. However, in other sections of the book, Hinduism was compared to other religions and found wanting. Since they were brought up as a contrast, for the sake of neutrality, they should have been mentioned in other contexts too. Either keep it about one religion only or criticise all- selectiveness shows a marked bias.

The Value of Loyalty

 I was discussing the Mahabharata with another lady. “Draupadi and Karna are my favourite characters”, she said.

“Draupadi I can understand. But why Karna?”, I asked.

“I love his character so much. He was such a noble person.”

“Noble? Karna? He was the one who instigated the ‘vastraharan’ of Draupadi. How can you call him noble?”

“But he was a loyal friend. I place loyalty above anything else.”

 

This exchange left me shaken up. Yes, loyalty is an important quality. But does loyalty mean that you remain silent when your friend is doing something wrong? In fact, doesn’t loyalty require a person to prevent a friend from doing the wrong thing?

To make things worse, in this particular case, Karna was not even a mute spectator. He was an active participant in the sexual assault on Draupadi. It was Karna who had the idea of disrobing her. It was Karna who insulted her and questioned her chastity. It was Karna who silenced Vikarna when he tried to dissuade his brothers from humiliating Draupadi.

No matter how you look at it, Karna was a perpetrator in the sexual assault of Draupadi. Yet, women defend him because he was “a loyal friend”.

 

It is the same thought process that kicks in when a woman tries to complain of sexual harassment or sexual assault. Her complaint is weighed against the perceived virtues of the perpetrator, and she is found wanting. His crimes are forgiven because he is a top performer, because he comes from a well-respected family, because no complaint has ever been made against him. In the process of making excuses for him, she is disbelieved and her complaints are dismissed.

Karna was an accessory in the sexual assault of Draupadi. As long as we continue making excuses for him, how can we hope to end gender based violence?

Book Review: Second-Hand Time

One tends to use the word “brilliant” quite loosely, but if one book totally deserves being called that, it is this. The book is written as a series of reminiscences- the people are often not identified, and at times one set of memories merges into another, but there are so many perspectives that between them, a composite picture gradually starts to emerge.

One is left almost incredulous at how people, despite suffering in the hands of Communism continue to swear by it. One wonders why some people wanted a change, and others didn’t. One is amazed at how people willingly put up with poverty as long as they had their books. One wonders about the resilience of a nation that keeps springing back.

As someone who believed in Communism and hoped it would usher in a better world. As someone who watched the rise of Gorbachev and bought into his vision of perestroika and glasnost. As one who saw the death of the Soviet Union and the emergence of the CIS, the book was a fascinating look from within.

Svetlana Alexievich has been called the ‘memory and conscience of the twentieth century’. This book proves why she earned the title. Her’s is a unique literary genre, one that blends journalism with lyricism; or as the Nobel Prize committee described it, “a history of emotions . . . a history of the soul.”

But what stands tall over her literally style, is the portrait of the nation and her people. What remains with you after you finish the books is this one quote- “In five years, everything can change in Russia, but in two hundred — nothing.”

Book Review: On Balance, An Autobiography

We are what we are because of the many women who opened doors and left them ajar for us. Leila Seth is one such woman. I knew she had been a practicing lawyer, the first female judge to be appointed to the Delhi High Court judge and the first woman to be the Chief Justice of a High Court. I also knew her as a woman who stood up for LGBTQ rights, and who wrote a beautiful book for children introducing them to the Constitution. I picked up "On Balance, An Autobiography" because I was curious to know the lady behind those accomplishments. And I was delighted.

In a lot of ways, Leila Seth reminds me of so many women of her generation that I know. Women like my mother and grandmother who kept perfect homes. Women like my grandmother who ran households which straddled joint family sensibilities with nuclear family constraints. Women who took the hard decision to send their children to boarding school so their studies would not be interrupted.

What makes Leila Seth extra special was that she did all of that and also was extremely successful professionally. How she landed up studying and practicing law seems almost serendipitous, but once she qualified, it was clearly her grit and knowledge that got her to scale the professional peaks that she did. Like many other women of her (and subsequent) generations, she followed her husband around, till they (like many other couples) took the decision to settle in a city of their choice. She did it with grace, even though it meant virtually starting afresh each time.

Reading the book through the prism of today, you notice the emotional burden she carried throughout her life. Despite her qualifications and her success, she is the one who silently does the things she would have been expected to do if she had not been working. The only time she speaks of that is in the poignant passage on her time as Chief Justice in the Shimla High Court where she says that for the first time ever she was living for herself. That passage more than anything else, sends out a strong message that this emotional burden is something that should be acknowledged, because only after acknowledging it can we work towards changing it.

As someone who grew up in small towns in Eastern India, I loved the description of her life in Darjeeling and her pen portrait of the many gardens she knew. Her account of her years in Calcutta brought back many pleasant memories. If my mother writes her memoirs, she can pick large chunks out of the book.

Leila Seth is also, as we know, the mother of Vikram Seth, and the protagonist of 'A Suitable Boy' is loosely based on her. A lot of people thought that Latha of the book could have married "better"- that the man she chose was not at all 'a suitable boy'. After reading this autobiography you understand exactly why Premo Seth and only Premo Seth was the "Suitable Boy" for the amazing Leila Seth.

If you like reading a well written autobiographies written in a slightly self deprecating tone; if you are a woman who wants to know and understand the women who paved the way for us; if you love "A Suitable Boy", then this book is for you.

Book Review: Rumble in a Village

[Book review of ‘Rumble in a Village’ by Jean Drèze and Luc Leruth]

Jean Dreze is person I deeply admire, so when I saw his name on a work of fiction with an eye-catching cover, I had to pick it up. I am glad I did. Though the book is written by two academicians, and the themes are heavy, the book is an absolute delight to read.

Imagine a village in the middle of nowhere, with a railway tracks cutting past the landscape. A village demarcated along rigid caste lines. The people knowing their place, yet, striving to improve their lives with limited or no opportunities.

Into this village comes an NRI, accompanied with vague memories of a trip to the village when he was three, and the notes which his father intended to covert into a work of non-fiction, but didn't. With no knowledge of how caste works, he bumbles through, thinking he is making a difference, but actually being played along by virtually everyone.

The author(s) employ self deprecating humour to make a point about casteism, misogyny and corruption. The book is full of harsh truths, but put forward in a way that neither preaches nor accuses.

Palampur can be any village, anywhere. The cast of characters too.

The United Colours of Navratri

 The Navratri Colour Code united women in a tight Sisterhood. It is meant to be celebrated, not imposed.

Twelve years back when I had re-entered the formal workforce after a break, amidst lots of discussion and banter, the “colour code” for Navratri was written out and posted on the office noticeboard. Those were days when I was going through a monochromatic phase, so on the first day, I wore red earrings with my black shirt and indigo jeans. On the second day, feeling festive, I draped a blue stole over my white shirt and faded jeans. The next day when I had to go to office, the colour was ‘cyan’, and since I happened to have a dressy cyan and purple kurta, that’s what I wore. On the way to work, I noticed something strange- almost all the women in my railway carriage were in cyan. Thinking back, I realised that most of the women had been in red and blue the previous two days too, but since they were common festive colours I hadn’t noticed. But cyan? An entire city of women in cyan, when most people don’t even own a single piece of clothing in that colour. That was my first introduction to the famous “Navaratri colour code”.

When I asked, I was told that a different manifestation of the goddess was worshipped on each day, and the colour was dedicated to her. For the next couple of years, I worked out of a home office, so the Navratri colour code was something I was only vaguely aware of, but I did notice something strange. The order in which the Goddesses were worshipped remained the same, but the order of colours changed from year to year. Clearly, the colours were not associated with the Goddesses!

Then someone then told me that the colours were decided by the Nakshatrams, but even that didn’t explain why some colours remained constant year on year, but others changed. What was also not explained was why the order of colours was never the same. Finally, I realised that even people who have been participating in the Navratri Colour Code for years have no clue where the colours came from, so I took to google to seek answers.

The mystery was finally solved. There is no religious significance to the colours. The Maharashtra Times first introduced the Navratri colour code in order to engage with the female readers and boost their circulation figures. The Navratri colour code proved to be so popular, it spread across the state, and through saree pacts spread across the nation and even abroad. Navratri Check out the popularity of Instagram or Facebook and you see how people plan their wardrobe well in advance so they can be a part of the global “Navratri colours” hashtags.

But what are these colours? Do they have any significance?

They do. The days of the week are named after the Sun, the Moon and five planets, each of which is associated with a particular colour. These are the colours that form the base of the Navratri Colour Code.

Once you know this, cracking the colour code become easy. In fact, there are many women who follow the colour code even otherwise. My grandmother, for instance, always wore red on Tuesday and black or blue on Saturday. It was something she did as a matter of course.

But hang on, what about pink and purple. Cyan, peacock green and sky blue. Where did they come from?

Good question, simple answer.

Once the first seven colours are allocated, the other two slots are determined by the person who finalises the code every year. Maybe she has a purple saree she wants to drape?

Why then is it so popular?

The Navratri colour code is popular because it is fun. Participating in the trend is a way to assert your individuality while submerging in a collective. It symbolisers Sisterhood. Whether you are the CEO or the lady cleaning her room, you were in the same colour. I have had colleagues remove their black burqas in office to reveal Navratri colours- it was a social celebration, not a religious one.

But now, the colour code is being forcibly implemented. The Senior Management of a PSU bank not only made it mandatory that all employees and vendor partners conform to the Navratri colour code, they threatened punitive action against those that did not. The circular even specified that the colour of the day should be the base colour of the outfit to be considered. While any organization is within its rights to specify and implement a dress codes, they cannot impose a custom that is religious in nature. Thankfully, it was withdrawn after public outcry, but it is a sign of a country that is moving far away from it’s secular tradition.

What is more ironicay is that the colour code which is being implemented by threatening punitive action against who do not confirm is of questionable significance. India is a pluralistic country. We have a wide diversity of customs and traditions. To impose homogeneity is to go against the ethos of the country. And that is extremely disturbing.

As for me, I did dress according to the colour code this Navratri as I have for many previous Navratris. But I did it my way. Once the seven days were completed, I circled back with yellow and green which are the ‘official’ colours of the day. My grandmother would certainly approve.

Book Review: Lahore (The Partition Trilogy #1)

It is hard to review a book that you have been waiting two years for. A book you had high expectations from both because of the subject matter and the author. A book you pre-ordered because you wanted to grab it as soon as you could. And a book which lived up to expectations, yet left you without words.

There have been many books written about the Partition. There are books that describe the high level political negotiations between the people who made history. And there are books written about the people who bore the brunt of Partition. Manreet Sodhi Someshwar’s ‘Lahore (The Partition Trilogy, #1)’ does both.

In Delhi, Mountbatten, Patel and Nehru lay down their non-negotiables and engage in a game of give and take around it. In Lahore, till the very end, the coolie, Belli Ram, who was brought up by his friend Mehmood’s family refuses to accept Partition till be actually “sees” the line separating India and Pakistan.

In Lahore, the ‘mad woman’, Billo, is thrown out of her home when she predicts a rain of blood, and takes up residence on the branches of a tree. In Delhi, Edwina Mountbatten shivers when she sees the unseasonal blooming of the Laburnums because when death is imminent, trees bloom and set fruit in a last ditch attempt to secure progeny.

The stories of the people and events that make up history, alternate with those of the people who have to bear the consequences of those decisions. Many of those stories end at a climatic point, where you are forced to pause and process what you witnessed before you can move on.

And, of course, at the end, she had both threads meet, however briefly. A reminder that Partition, eventually, was about people. People who survived. People who didn't. Dreams that were crushed. Pieces that were picked up.

This book is particularly significant because it puts many events in their proper context. The British would have left behind two partitioned nations and 565 princely states. Today, people try to assign the blame for Partition on certain leaders, choosing to forget that it was they who stopped the Balkanisation.

You will love ‘Lahore (The Partition Trilogy, #1)’ if you are interested either in the history of the subcontinent or in reading stories rich in human emotions. Take a bow, Manreet, for yet another masterly book.

School Reopening- Part 3

[Third in a three part series on school reopening. Here we look at the challenge that the education system faces and how it could perhaps be converted into an opportunity.]

Minimizing the risk of COVID outbreaks is just one part of the challenge. The greater challenge is to engage the students who are returning to school, address the gap in learning level, and address the psychological needs of the students.

According to a report released by UNICEF (United Nations Children Emergency Fund), less than 10% students in India had access to online education during the pandemic. Other reports put the figure a little higher. Whatever the actual number, the reality is that the vast majority of students found themselves at the wrong side of the digital divide. Families did not have a digital device that could be used for online classes; those that did had to prioritize which of the children would get to use it; students that had a device had to struggle to find reliable internet; and after all those conditions were met, the screen was often too small for an optimal learning experience. It is safe to conclude, that except for a very small minority of students, practically no teaching or learning has occurred since the start of the pandemic.

During the time when there was no school, many of these children went into the informal workforce as child laborers. Though we do not have firm numbers, we know that many adolescent girls fell victim to child marriages. Though some of them might be able to negotiate with their families and re-enroll in school, for them, the opportunity cost of coming to school is high. Unless they feel they are learning something significant in school, they (and their families) may decide it doesn’t make sense to continue with an education and may therefore drop out of the school system permanently.

The vast majority of students have been promoted two grades without attending any classes. They will find it extremely challenging to learn from a grade appropriate curriculum without the benefit of bridge courses, and this might cause them to drop out in frustration. It is, therefore, imperative that teachers change their methodology of teaching to ensure that the students are able to learn, and the experience in school remains a safe and enriching one.

Even before the pandemic, there was a huge ‘learning gap’ between the expected learning level and the actual learning level. According to the Annual Status of Education Report released in 2018 (ASER, 2018), less than 30% students in grade 3 in rural India could read grade 2 level text, and by the time they reached grade 5, only half the surveyed students could read grade 2 level text. Similarly, in mathematics, more than half the students of grade 8 struggled with grade 4 level mathematics. Since literacy and numeracy are the basic skills without which other subjects cannot be taught effectively, this is a clear indication that not much learning was happening in India despite students getting automatically promoted at the end of the year.

This gap, which was already significant before the start of the pandemic would have been exacerbated by two other factors. Studies conducted in India and abroad have shown that there is a significant drop in learnings levels during the summer vacations due to disuse of literacy and numeracy skills. With schools closed for more than 18 months, it is safe to conclude that a vast majority of students would have lost even the limited skills they had acquired. At the same time, students have been automatically promoted, leading to an even wider gap in basic literacy and numeracy.

The single objective of the education system should be to address this learning gap in literacy and numeracy. Even if that is the only thing that is accomplished in the current academic year, it would be sufficient. The most practical solution would be to forego written examinations during the current year, and to use the year to reinforce the fundamentals of literacy and numeracy with the goal of ensuring that the gap is narrowed, if not completely bridged. By the end of the academic year, at least 50% of the students should be at age and grade level in literacy and numeracy, and the gap should have been significantly reduced for the rest. The pedagogy for bridging the learning gap exists, and appropriate workbooks should be printed and distributed to the students. The workbooks should be designed in a manner where they can be used under supervision in the classroom, and for self-study. Since the progress of students will be tracked as they proceed through the workbooks at their own pace, and will give them a sense of accomplishment and motivate them to continue.

Students who have a strong foundation in literacy and numeracy can be encouraged to mentor the other students. This will develop team work and communication skills, both of which are important life skills to learn. Since some of the exercises can be completed through self-study, adopting this model will also reduce the amount of time that students need to spend in school, thereby reducing overcrowding in schools.

Other subjects like science, literature, history and geography can be taught orally, so students with without sufficient literacy skills are not left behind. This can be done using a mixture of lectures, discussions and simple projects. Students with age/ grade appropriate reading and writing skills can be encouraged to dive deeper into the topic covered in the subjects. Grading for all the students can be done based on class participation and/ or project work.

By shifting the focus from completing the curriculum to strengthening fundamental literacy and numeracy skills, the system will ensure that all students are brought upto a basic foundation level. If this can be achieved in the current academic year, it will lead to a paradigm shift in the quality of education imparted to the students.

All of this will require a major shift in the way students are taught and what we want them to learn. The situation the education system finds itself in is unprecedented. If we rise to the occasion, it can be a tremendous opportunity; if not, we would have put our students at risk for questionable returns.

When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. — Alexander Graham Bell

Now is the time to seize the opportunity which has presented itself to us.

School Reopening- Part 2

[Second in a three part series on school reopening. This looks at the steps to be taken to minimize the risk of COVID outbreaks.]

Whether we like it or not, over the next few weeks, schools are going to reopen for all students. While some students might continue to have the option to take classes online or offline, the vast majority of them will return to physical schools despite the fact that none of them are vaccinated. The question now is, what next.

The education system will have to deal with two major challenges- putting in place adequate precautions to minimize the risk of COVID outbreaks, and developing appropriate curriculum and pedagogy to ensure optimal learning. Unless both these aspects are addressed, the entire school reopening exercise could end up being an experiment in futility.

Schools have re-opened in several other countries, so we do have a good idea of what works and what does not. It is imperative that we learn from the experience of these countries while framing the guidelines for school reopening. This would be a huge challenge in India given the fact that most schools in the country are overcrowded, and people have not yet internalized COVID appropriate behaviour. While all schools require of mandatory masking, double vaccination of teachers and staff, hand hygiene and periodic disinfection, this alone is not enough.

Each school would need to come up with specific processes, keeping in mind their own special challenges. In the broadest sense, this would fall into three main buckets- Awareness about COVID, adoption of COVID appropriate behaviour and setting up a safe physical environment.

By studying outbreaks across the world, it has been found that all other factors being the same, three situations contribute to the spread of COVID.

These ‘Three Cs’ which should be avoided are-

• Closed Spaces, with poor ventilation
• Crowded Places, with people nearby
• Close Contact settings where adequate distancing is not observed

It may not always be possible to eliminate all three in a school setting, but in order to minimize the danger of a COVID outbreak, each school should take steps to mitigate the risk from each of these should be mitigated to the extent possible. By conducting an audit at the school level, appropriate processes should be drawn up for individual schools and they should be clearly communicated to all staff and students.

All teachers and staff of the schools should be trained on how the virus spreads and steps to be taken to mitigate the spread. They should also receive training on the symptoms of the disease so they can take informed decisions on asking students to quarantine themselves, and should be aware of the myths around the disease so they do not get duped by wrong information. Post- workshop, teachers need to clear a test before they be allowed to take classes.

Prior to reopening schools, both parents and students should be also be made to undergo a session on adopting COVID appropriate behaviour, particularly on proper masking, physical distancing and hand hygiene. Students, particularly older students, should be made to understand how the virus spreads, so they can take adequate precautions. Parents should also be cautioned to not send their children to school if they are feeling unwell, and to inform the school of the same immediately so other students can be asked to quarantine if required.

Both the staff and students should internalize adopting COVID appropriate behaviour, and they should be total compliance. Everybody should be properly masked at all points of time, with the nose and mouth appropriately covered. Sharing objects should be discouraged, and if it is absolutely impossible to avoid it, hands should be sanitized both before and after touching the shared objects. If space permits, teachers can let individual students leave the classroom for short breaks if they start feeling claustrophobic with the masks.

Wherever possible, classes should be staggered so there are fewer students in the school building. This can be done either by operating in two batches, or by reserving a few days for self-study where students do not have to physically come to school.

Schools which can should designate separate entrances and exits and should try to regulate movement in corridors or on stairs in one direction only. This will reduce the possibility of people coming face to face with other people. If possible, some classes can be taken outdoors to increase safety.

The use of common facilities needs to be regulated to ensure reduced crowding. This can be done by staggering break times so the entire school does need to access them at the same time. Since students will not be able to keep their masks on while eating, lunch/ meal breaks should also be staggered to reduce close contact.

Exhaust fans need to be installed in classrooms which have poor ventilation, and schools were classrooms are airconditioned will need to invest in air-filteration systems.

Schools will also have to keep a supply to disposable masks to give out to staff or students in case of an emergency. They will also need to make arrangements for the proper disposal of masks and other bio waste, should it be required.

If all these precautions are taken, the risk of COVID outbreaks can be reduced to some extent.

Despite taking all precautions, there will be situations where staff or students get exposed to potential infection. In such cases, the school should work proactively to trace the people who may have come in contact, and ensure that they self-quarantine.

Most importantly, each school should make arrangements to providing learning support to students who’s family may not be comfortable sending them to school. This should be a no tech or low tech solution, so all students can access them.

Minimizing the risk of COVID outbreaks, however is just one part of the challenge. The greater challenge is to provide an education to students who have been out of school for so long they have probably forgotten most of the things they learnt.

School Reopening- Part 1

 [First in a three part series on school reopening. This examines why reopening may not be a good idea, and how we could have done better last year. ]

“Should schools reopen?”, is no longer a question up for debate. Schools have already reopened partially or fully in many states, and others are in the process of doing so too. Some states have given schools the flexibility to continue with a hybrid model, others have reopened only for high school students, but the reality is that unless there is a sudden spike in number of infections and/ or hospitalizations, by the end of the year every parent with children of school going age will soon have to decide whether or not to send their children to school.

One could question why we are in such a hurry to open up. Unlike this time last year, we now know that children below the age of 17 are also likely to get infected, and the symptoms can be severe enough to require hospitalization. It is no longer just a case of children being carriers of the virus and infecting grandparents and older relatives- we have seen how the capacity of pediatric ICUs have been stretched to the maximum and of how children have died of the virus. What then is the scientific basis for re-opening of schools, especially since none of our school children are vaccinated? There is none.

Unfortunately, it is not science that is driving the decision to reopen schools; the haste is entirely on account of sociological, developmental and economic factors. School closure and shifting to the online model has effectively blocked off access to education for millions of children of school going age. Studies have revealed that there has been a drop in learning levels among children on the wrong side of the digital divide. Most of these children have been pressed into child labour, and many have fallen victim to child marriage. There is a real danger of losing an entire generation of learners, which is why many are pushing the government for a reopening of schools. Medical doctors, who should be giving advice from a scientific/ medical perspective have, unfortunately, fallen for the rhetoric; they cite “our students cannot afford to lose another academic year” as the reason to reopen schools.

While there is certainly merit in the argument that students have already lost too much learning, and that further delays could potentially be irreversible, what most people are ignoring is the fact that reopening schools without putting proper procedures in place will only put millions of children (and unvaccinated members of their family) at risk.

Ideally, the issue of loss of learning should have been taken up and addressed last year. When India went into Lockdown, the service sector immediately moved to the online mode, and a few weeks later, private schools followed suit. While there were a few examples of the TV being used to reach out to students enrolled in government schools, for the most part, any teaching that was done was done online, using the Internet. Very few families had digital devices suitable for online classes, fewer still had reliable internet, and even those families which had both needed to prioritise which of their children would have access to the device.

Knowing that the vast majority of students would fall on the wrong side of the digital divide, an attempt should have been made to use other means of reaching out to students. Radio or TV have much better penetration than mobile phones, and either could have been used to reach out a much larger number of students.

More importantly, instead of merely reducing the curriculum, the Boards should have taken the decision to focus on reinforcing verbal and numerical skills. Given the fact that a majority of students do not have age/ grade specific verbal and numerical skills, this learning gap could have been bridged using a combination of self-study workbooks and on-on-one assistance from community level volunteers. Subject specific concepts could have been taught using either TV or radio. Students with age appropriate learning levels could have been taught concepts using a combination of self-study and TV or radio programs. Had this strategy been adopted, the pandemic would have proved a blessing by enabling India to address and bridge the challenge of the steadily increasing learning gap.

Unfortunately, all we did during the previous academic year was to shift what would have been taught in the physical classroom to a digital classroom. And today, we are left with a generation of students who have been promoted two grades, without attending a single class in over 18 months. The learning gap, which already existed, has now become wider, and it remains to be seen if and how teachers and students will be able to bridge it.

This, probably will be the greatest challenge to the education system.

The Women Who Disobeyed Civily

[When the men were behind bars, women came to the forefront. Where are they now?]

It was the Civil Disobedience Movement of 1930. The leaders of the freedom movement were in prison, along with tens of thousands of freedom fighters. The British thought they had been able to stamp out the movement, but then, something unexpected happened. In the words of Jawaharlal Nehru (as quoted in Discovery of India)- 

Most of us menfolk were in prison. And then a remarkable thing happened. Our women came to the front and took charge of the struggle. Women had always been there of course, but now there was an avalanche of the, which took not only the British Government but their own menfolk by surprise. Here were these women, women of the upper or middle classes, leading sheltered lives in their homes- peasant women, working- class women, rich women- pouring out in their tens of thousands in defiance of government order and police lathi. It was not only that display of courage and daring but what was even more surprising was the organizational power they showed.

That was the decisive moment when the British Government realized they could not hold India much longer. If women, who till a few years back were in purdah and were still not allowed to take part in public life, could come to the forefront to demand freedom, sooner or later they would have to leave the country.

But who were these women?

In the early days, it was only the wives, daughters and sisters of the leaders of the freedom movement who participated in the freedom movement. Since there were no women-only political organisations, it was difficult for common women to negotiate a place in the struggle, and the only women who could were women from elite families.

Though women were initially not allowed to participate in the Dandi March, two women, Sarojini Naidu and Mithuben Petit, stood behind Gandhiji when he violated the Salt Law. However, once the salt Satyagraha began, women from middle class families started pouring out onto the street. Kamaladevi Chattopadhyay led a huge contingent of women in Bombay who not only made salt at Chowpathy Beach, they even sold it in the city. The popular story goes that when Kamaladevi Chattopadhyay was arrested and produced before the magistrate, she held up a packet of salt and asked if he would like to buy the 'salt of freedom'!

Women, who started coming out in response to Gandhiji's call for the Salt Satyagraha, began coming out in droves once the men started being arrested. They were led by the wives and sisters of the leaders, prominent among whom were Kasturba Gandhi, Kamala Nehru and Nehru's sister, Vijaylakshmi Pandit, but many women also rose to leadership despite not being from political families.

Sucheta Kriplani, Aruna Asaf Ali, and Durgabai Deshmukh, among many others joined the Freedom Struggle during the Civil Disobedience Movement. They all married freedom fighters from different communities (even religion), and continued to serve the nation even after Independence. Sucheta Kriplani became the first female Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh. Aruna Asaf Ali was the first lady mayor of Delhi and did a lot of work in education. Durgabai Deshmukh was a lawyer who served as a member of the Constitute Assembly and later of the Planning Commission.

Initially, the police used only moderate violence against women, but when they kept coming out, women too were lathi charged and imprisoned for long terms. None of this, deterred the women, and despite having to manage the home in the absence of their menfolk, they continued being a part of the freedom struggle.

Some of them paid a very heavy price for their rebellion. Rani Gaidinliu, for instance, was arrested when she was seeking to drive the British out of Manipur and Nagaland when she was only 16 years old, and spent 14 years in prison before she was released after Independence.

There were other women who lost their lives in the Struggle. Matangini Hazra, the poor peasant woman who was also known as Gandhi Buri was shot dead by the police during the Quit India Movement when she was leading a procession of over six thousand people. Eighteen year old Kanaklata Barua was shot down while participating in the Quit India Movement.

Despite these setbacks, women were equal participants in the Freedom Struggle. They protested unjust laws, they sang patriotic songs, they hoisted the national flag, they ran radio stations and printing presses, and they provided shelter to freedom fighters fleeing the police. If India was able to gain Independence a lot of the credit should go to these women.

What after Independence?

Unfortunately, after Independence, women were not able to capitalize on these gains. Unlike in other countries, women were given Universal Adult Franchise right after Independence. Women also occupied positions of power, though in small numbers. There were fifteen women in the Constituent Assembly who helped draft the Constitution, there was one women in the first Union Cabinet of Independent India, and a woman headed the Indian delegation to the United Nations and was the first ever woman to be elected the President of the United National General Assembly.

Despite the early head start, even today, the representation of women in public life remains disproportionately low, which results in the framing of policies that do not adequately empower women. India attained her Freedom seventy four years ago, but we will be able to consider ourselves to be truly free only when we are adequately represented in positions of policy making.

Book Review- Landscapes of Loss

 I picked up Kavitha Iyer's 'Landscapes of Loss: The Story of an Indian drought' because someone I trust described it as "Superb reporting. Terrific writing". She was absolutely right. It is a brilliant book. One I wish everyone would read.

Kavitha concludes the book with ".... to introduce readers to real people, their very real everyday struggles, their occasional triumphs and their unremitting agitations requesting justice. The countryside has spoken. I hope urban India finds it in its heart to listen."

And doing so, she sets 'Landscapes of Loss', her detailed chronicle of ongoing struggles in drought prone Marathwada within the much larger context of the ongoing Farmers' Agitation in the country.

Marathwada is one of the most drought prone regions in the country, and most of us hear of it when there is a spate of farmer suicides which make it to the headlines. The book goes much beyond that.

It takes us through how the drought affects entire communities, how relief measures fall short of expectations. It breaks down caste dynamics, and looks at how women are affected even worse than men.

Importantly, the book looks at the reasons for the water crisis, and analyses how the proposed measures might only delay the crisis by a few years. She shows us how what is needed is not annual relief measures, but a systematic change in how we view water as a resource.

Above all, the book introduces us to the people of Marathwada- their distress, their successes, their hopes and their reality. Though their stories, she inspires us to do more. 'Landscapes of Loss' is a MUST read.

The Objectivisation of Women in Sport

 [This article has been published in Women’s Web under the title “2021 Olympics, When Women Athletes Refused To Play By Objectifying Rules Made By Men”]

Think gymnastics, and the first image that comes to mind is of a young woman clad in rhinestone studded leotards performing gravity defying moves. Her make-up is prefect, her hair neatly coiffured, and her leotards cut suggestively to make her look sexually attractive. Think specifically of the male gymnast, and he is either in a full body suit or shorts. When routines are rated entirely on the complexity of the move, and the skill in performing them, why is the female gymnast expected to look pretty and smile, while her male counterpart can get away with just executing the routine.

The rules of the International Gymnastics Federation clearly specify that female gymnasts can wear full body leotards which cover the legs, yet sexy leotards are so normalized that regardless of what they wear while training, every gymnast picks one for competitions. You could argue that she is “choosing to wear” leotards with a racy cut, but the reality is that most people find it hard to go against what has been deemed acceptable traditionally. Recently, the German gymnastics team made headlines when they chose to wear full body suits in competition to unitedly take a stand against the overt sexualisation of the sport. Had only one gymnast attempted to do so, she would have certainly faced a lot of pushback.

Beach handball and beach volleyball, unlike gymnastics, do not even attempt to hide the fact that the female athlete is sexualized. The rules clearly specify that while the can compete in shorts, women are only permitted to do so in bikinis. When the Norwegian beach handball team chose to swap their bikini bottoms for thigh length shorts, they were fined and threatened with expulsion. This despite the fact that many women who play the sport have said that wearing shorts instead of bikinis will permit them to concentrate on the game without worrying about the uniform slipping.

The official stance by the authorities is that the uniform specifications have been framed in order to ensure that the athletes have the full range of motion. But when men can play in loose fitting knee length shorts and tank tops, why can’t the women? Clearly the guidelines on competition wear have been framed presuming that spectators are more interested in watching beautiful women in bikinis than in watching competition level sportswomen in action.

In case we think that beach volleyball and beach handball are the only sports that blatantly sexualize and commodify the bodies of women athletes to boost viewership, think again. In 2011, when professional badminton saw a decline in interest and viewership, the regulators came up with the perfect solution to bring back spectators- show more skin. The Badminton World Federation passed a decree that ‘to create a more ‘attractive presentation,’ women must wear skirts or dresses to play at the elite level.’ This was revoked after major push back from female athletes, especially Muslim athletes who compete in professional badminton in large numbers.

Tennis has similar rules. Many tournaments specify that women should wear skirts or dresses, even though most women tennis players train in shorts. A top ranked player, Eugenie Bouchard, was asked to twirl and describe her outfit after she demolished her opponent in less than an hour; is a male tennis player similarly asked to flex his muscles?

This sexualisation is not only at the elite level. It permeates all the way down. A couple of years back, when I went to the showroom of a popular sports brand to buy running shorts, I was asked to choose between itsy-bitsy ‘barely there’ shorts, and skin tight cycling shorts. The male section had the loose fitting shorts I wanted, and I have stopped even stepping into the ladies section now. Yes, there are women runners who genuinely like the racy shorts and tank tops and believe that they aid their performance, but shouldn’t the women who are not comfortable wearing those clothes be offered a choice without having to sneak clothes out of the men’s section?

The overt sexualization of sportswear is symptomatic of a larger issue. Instead of respecting the talent, hard-work and dedication of the sportsperson, the worth of a woman is reduced to the viewership she can draw on the basis of her physical appearance and her on and off court personality. There has to be a change in how the media portrays womens’ sports- the focus has to shift from overt sexualisation to sporting prowess.

Also, all sports should offer a broader variety of uniforms to choose from, so all sports persons can choose the one they are most comfortable with. This would empower women to choose how they present themselves to the audience.

Does ‘merit’ have much merit?

 This would probably be controversial, but it still needs to be said. A lot of people oppose reservations, and I often hear "I worked hard, nobody handed things to me on a platter" to justify removing/ revoking reservations. They may think they have a point, because what they see is some people getting a coveted seat they couldn’t get despite having lower grades. Yet, is that how it really is?

I am born to Brahmin parents, and I topped every bloody exam I wanted to top. Through all my school and college days, I too opposed reservations "on principle"- I genuinely believed it was my hard work that got me where I was. And I expected others to put in the same amount of work to get there, instead of seeking reservations.

But guess what. I was wrong.

It didn’t happen overnight, but gradually I came to realise that while I had brains, and worked extremely hard (and smart), I also had a privilege that I was blind to.

I had access to the best education my parents could afford. Nobody questioned me when I aspired to occupy a place of excellence. My family supported me.

While I certainly had good brains, and worked extremely hard, it wasn’t just "my" hard work and "my" brains that got my where I was.

What got me there was generations of being at the apex of an inequitable system. A system that empowered and enabled me to compete on what I thought was a level field, but actually was one that was stacked in my favour.

There are many who are as intelligent as me. And are willing to work as hard. But at every stage they are denied opportunity.

They struggle to find teaches willing to teach. They do not have access to libraries. They do not have a family that can sustain their curiosity. They are constantly derided by the education system. Even after they get admission into good educational institutions, they are often no accepted as equals by the faculty and other students. Their competence is questioned, even though there is no reason to presume they are in any way not equal to the rest. In short, the field is stacked against them.

Till those inequities are removed, let’s not even think about passing a value judgment on people who do not have the benefits that we do.

Access to education, healthcare, livelihoods and social acceptance should be universal.

Only then will there be equity. And only when there is equity, would there no longer be any need for reservations.

Meeting Myself

[My forty year old self met my thirty year old self in a train compartment. A few days later, she ran into me, literally.]

I saw her purposefully running loops around the park. She was wearing the same turquoise sleeveless tee shirt I was in. “Runner Girls India”, I knew it said, “Strong, fast and sexy”. With a twinge of regret, I realised her toned body filled the tee shirt in a way mine no longer did. But now was not the time for regret- I had work to do.

I knew her too well; she would certainly not take a break. If I wanted to speak to her, I had to run with her. I picked up pace, she did too. I accelerated again, so did she. She was exactly as I remembered her- she was not going to let anyone overtake her, even if it meant tiring herself out. This called for a change of tactics. “Hey, slow down a bit. I want to talk to you.” She looked over her shoulder. Curiosity won. She slowed down to let me match pace with her. We ran in companionable silence for a loop as we both got our breath back to normal.

She was the first to break the silence. “So you wanted to tell me something?”

“Not really. Just wanted to talk to you. I don’t often see women running in the park.”

“I don’t come here often”, she admitted. “The treadmill wasn’t working, and I needed to run. I prefer running indoors to be honest. What about you? Do you come here regularly?”

“Do I look like I work out regularly?” I gave a self-deprecating laugh.

“You can always make time if you want to.” It was a statement, not a condemnation.

“I could. But maybe I don’t want it hard enough.”

We ran together. I was secretly pleased to see I could still match her pace. “So, are you training for a race or something”, I asked, even though I knew the answer.

“I would love to run a sub 2:30 hour half marathon”, she confessed. “My best time is 2:34 which I ran in my first race. But no matter how hard I train, I just can’t seem to beat that time. But no, I am not training for a race. I run to keep my sanity.”

“It must be hard to manage children and work.”

“Well, if you really want to do something, you manage to fit it into your schedule somehow. But, yes, it is hard at times.”

“Maybe you are trying too hard?”

“What do you mean?”, she went on the defensive immediately. “I don’t have a choice. I need to operate within too many constraints, and unless I prioritise, I will not be able to get everything done.”

“But doesn’t that take a toll on you?”

“Do I have a choice? If I don’t make time for the things I am passionate about, I won’t be able to do them, would I? There are many other things I would like to do, but since I don’t have time, I haven’t even taken them up. But what I do, I do well.”

I knew she could deliver an entire TED talk on this, so I gently cut her short. “But maybe you don’t have to give everything your 100%. Maybe so of the things you feel you have to do will get done even if you are not there to do it.”

Her curiosity was piqued, but she was not giving up. “Okay, tell me what I should de-prioritise”, she challenged. “I need to get the kids ready for school and send them off, and I need to be back on time to pick them up. I have to build my life around that window. If I do not want to give up on my job, my running and my reading, how else can I manage my time?”

“Maybe you can seek help in getting them ready for school? Maybe you don’t always need to be around to welcome them? Maybe you can miss a few workouts? You can’t really plan everything, you know.”

She was not convinced. “Is that what you do? Maybe things are different for you.”

“Things certainly are different. My kids are older, but I’ve trained them to be independent; they take care of themselves, and if they don’t do something, they should have, they face the consequences. It wasn’t easy getting to this point, but once I got here, life has been so much easier for me.”

“Well, I don’t know. I could try, but what if things go wrong?”

“If something goes wrong, you fix it. You will not know till you try, will you? Take a leap of faith- you may be surprised how far you can go.”

We ran a few more loops together. I was silent; she didn’t try to speak either. I had given her a lot to process- I had asked a perfectionist to embrace imperfection. But at least I had sown the seed. She would think about it. One thing to be said about her- she was not afraid of change.

“I need to drop off now. You carry on. Its been nice meeting you”, I told her.

“Yes, nice meeting you too. Perhaps I will see you around sometime.”

“Oh absolutely. You will meet me sooner than you think. Keep running. Who knows- before the year is up, you may run a sub-5 hour marathon.”

“Impossible! I can’t even go below 2:30 hours in the half.”

“Never say never.” I smiled at her and dropped off. She carried on, ponytail swinging from side to side. I watched her retreating back till she was out of sight. She didn’t know it then, but my 40 year old self had many surprises in store for her in the next decade.

The Last Rites

 When I saw photographs of Mandira Bedi at her husband’s funeral, it was her grief that I first noticed. Every inch of her body was weighed down with sorrow, and it was sheer will-power that was pushing her forward to do what needed to be done. Looking at her waif like body in the androgynous tee shirt, it was hard to believe she was a mother herself, and yet, it was to shield her son from the trauma of conducting his father’s last rites that she was pushing herself. As a mother, I could empathise.

As a woman, I also realised that though it not her intention to make a statement, she certainly sent out a strong message to other women- they too could conduct funeral rites.

Rituals don’t matter much to me, but I know women who have fought members of their extended family to be permitted to conduct the last rites of their parents. Some were able to do so, many not. Mandira Bedi’s action will make it easier for others.

But is it enough?

Should the struggle be against Patriarchy which does not consider women the equal of men? If yes, what Mandira Bedi did will be a big affirmation- women less privileged than she is can now demand their right to conduct the last rites of the family members they are close to.

But is that the real fight? Shouldn’t the real struggle be against Brahminical Patriarchy which requires that funeral rituals which can only be performed in the presence of a Brahmin priest?

During the peak of the COVID crisis, we heard of cremation workers who (in the absence of priests) conducted the last rites of people.

Now that things are back to normal, will the same cremation workers continue to be assigned the task or will the privilege be taken away?

When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather declared that no rituals will be conducted because she doesn’t need a Brahmin priest to intercede on her behalf.

Wouldn’t that be a much more meaningful victory if we can normalise funerals without the rituals?

When Me met Me

[This is what my 40 year old self told my 30 year old self when they accidentally shared an empty coach. My 50 year old self may have very different things to say- maybe I should get them to meet.] 

The first thing I noticed was her book; Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird". The train was almost empty, but I chose the seat directly opposite her.

She was in her late twenties, though the severe hairstyle made her look older. Her clothes were too big for her­­––perhaps she hoped to cover the excess fat, but she only looked shapeless. I noticed she was using a boarding card as a bookmark––definitely a professionally qualified executive.

She must have sensed my scrutiny, because she looked up. I met her eye, and smiled.

"I was looking at your book", I said. "I have exactly the same copy."

"It's one of my favourite books,” she confessed. "Must have read it at least a dozen times."

"Me too." We got chatting.

"Who runs?", she asked, looking at my backpack with the logo of a marathon.

"Me. I've done four half marathons, and one full."

"W-O-O-W", she drew out the syllables. "I can't even dream of running 5 kilometers."

"Why don't you try? You might surprise yourself. That's what I keep telling my kids."

"You have kids? You don't look it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're so slim."

"Well, I do work out."

"I wish I had the time."

"You can always make time." I knew how superior I sounded.

"I guess so! But tell me", she said, changing the subject. "Is motherhood all it's made out to be?"

"I can't imagine not being a mother", I replied. "But have kids only when you are ready to put your life on hold for them."

Her station came. "Been great meeting you. Hope to run into you again,” she said grabbing her bags.

"We will." I reassured her. "And one other thing. Harry Potter. Do start reading Harry Potter!"

I don't understand why my friends are dreading turning Four-Oh. My twenty-nine-year-old self had not recognized me, and she was clearly impressed by what I had become. How many more surprises are in store as I advance further into the best age––the middle ages.

Originally posted here

Fifty

[To the Me that I am, and to the Me-s that I was]

She is Ten-

Riding her shiny red bicycle

Flying with the wind

Falling down, getting up

Testing the limits of her world

Free to be who she wants to be.

She is Twenty-

Pushing boundaries, fighting the world

Rebelling for the sake of rebellion.

Breaking conventions, finding her own path

Reading, thinking, arguing

Figuring out who she wants to be.

She is Thirty-

Trying to please everyone

Trying to do everything

Her life is going where she wants it to

She’s vaguely discontent

Is this who she wants to be?

She is Forty-

Permanently exhausted

Taking on more than she should

Pushing herself to do it all

She has it all. She is happy.

Just as she wants to be.

She is Fifty-

Still learning, still growing

Making mistakes, not repeating them

Doing the best she can, failing often

She is Imperfectly perfect, Smiling, 

Just as she wants to be.

Bhagyalakshmi, a Tale

 Her fingers gently trace the curls on her daughter’s head while she suckles noisily. Whatever the tempest raging in her mind, an unerring calm always descends over her when her daughter is latched onto her breast. Her Bhagyalakshmi. Her baby. Her innocent, defenseless baby. Did she even suspect her entire universe was about to collapse around her?

As long as Bhagya’s father was alive, there was hope. He would recover and come home from hospital. She would nurse him back to health. They would move back to the city. She would take up cooking jobs to support themselves. She could even do some embroidery work on the side to earn extra money to send home to the family. They would be happy together. Someday, Bhagya would get a younger brother. They would have his namkaran in the village.

But it hadn’t happened that way. Bhagya’s father didn’t recover. He was in hospital for a month. He was fighting. He seemed to be getting better. They said he would be released in a few days. Then he suddenly got worse. And today, he died. He was gone. Her anchor was gone. She was a widow with a baby girl. She had nowhere to go.

His family blamed her. Blamed her for seducing their son. Blamed her for bringing bad luck on the family. Blamed her for bringing the disease into the family. Blamed her for falling sick. Blamed her for infecting the entire family. Blamed her when people began to die; Sasurji, Devar, Sasuma, Jethani. She blamed herself too. But she hoped they would forgive her.

Now he was gone. What would happen to her?

Her baby opens her eyes and looks at her. She kisses her on the forehead and gently shifts her to the other breast. She latches on and started suckling. Her baby is constantly hungry. Her milk is no longer enough for her. Soon she would be ready for solids. How would she manage? Would things have been better if they had remained in the city. If they hadn’t come back when the cases started rising?

The memories of last year were still fresh. They were living together when Lockdown was announced. He had no money; he used to send all his savings home. They survived on her savings and the goodness of strangers. When lockdown was extended, he wanted to walk back home. But they knew his family would not accept her. He could not leave her behind, so they stayed. They begged their employers for money. Only one Madam obliged. On many days, they went to bed hungry. They didn’t think they would survive, but somehow they did.

They were ready to give up and go back to his village when one house she worked in called her back. She begged them to pay her in advance. They agreed. Gradually, she got a few more jobs. Her husband was not so lucky. He was a driver, but the family he worked for didn’t want him back. He couldn’t find another job. He drove an auto for two hours every day when the owner took a break. Sometimes, he was hired as a driver for half a day. Once, he drove a family to the mountains for a holiday. They had chicken when he returned.

Last year, it had been just the two of them, so they managed somehow. Now, with Bhagya, they knew they could not survive another Lockdown. Already, her husband’s earnings had started to come down. The old lady she had engaged to mind Bhagya while she went to work came down with COVID. Their neighbours were falling sick. They had no choice; they had to return to his village.

She looks down at her sleeping baby. Feels her soft palm pressed against her breast. Her tiny chest rises and falls with every breath. She gently caresses her baby’s fair cheeks; traces the curve of her long eyelashes. Her daughter is prefect in every way but one; she was not a boy.

He hadn’t been able to contain his joy when she told him she was pregnant. “When the child is born, my family will accept you”, he told her. They got married in the temple the very next day. She could not afford a new saree, but she felt like a bride when he draped the red chunni on her. “You look like a Rajput princess”, he told her when she gazed shyly at him from under the chunni. Who knew? Maybe she was a Princess; all they had told her was that she had been abandoned outside a temple. Orphans like her do not have a history.

If he was disappointed not to have a son, he didn’t show it. “She is Bhagyalakshmi. She will bring us luck”, he declared. He got the Punditji to cast her horoscope and sent it home to his family. They hadn’t even acknowledged it, but he continued to send them money every month.

“If I were not an orphan, your family would have accepted me”, I told him often. “They will when they get to know you”, he would assure her. But they hadn’t. And now they never would. She was on her own, with Bhagyalakshmi.

A wave of grief lashed over her. The anguish of losing her husband- the handsome man who had won her heart; the tender lover who encouraged her to move in with him, the kind hearted partner who refused to abandon her, the brave warrior who fought so hard to stay alive. She pushed it aside and surfaced. Now was not the time to wallow in self-pity. She had to think of staying alive and keeping Bhagya alive.

She couldn’t stay here any longer. She would have to return to the city. She was efficient, she was clean, she was honest. People would employ her. But what about Bhagya? Who would look after Bhagya while she was at work? How would a single woman with a child survive on her own in the city? How would she keep Bhagya safe when she grew up?

No, she wouldn’t be able to take Bhagya with her. She would need to secure her future before she left.

She holds her baby close. Then wraps her in her red wedding chunni. She kisses her on the eyes and lays her reverentially in the wooden chest. She places a Mata ki Tasweer and prays to her to watch over her baby. She takes one last look at her beautiful baby, slides the horoscope under her head and closes the lid of the chest.

With the moon as her witness, she will float the chest down the Ganga. When they finally find Bhagyalakshmi, they would know that she is the daughter of a Kshatriya family; she will not be a nameless orphan like her mother.

The next day, when the family wakes up, they will find that she is gone.

______

The next day:

Why add pronouns to our bio?

 She/ her

I added pronouns to my bio a couple of days back.

As a cis het woman, my gender identity was never in question. Why, then, did I feel the need to do so?

It was to show solidarity with non-binary and transgender persons, but it was also more.

To step back a bit...

Most of us have grown up thinking sex and gender are the same. But they are not.

Sex is what is assigned to you at birth based on your sexual organs.

Gender is what you identify as, regardless of what was assigned to you. Gender, unlike sex, is non binary.

There are non-binary people who do not identify as either male or female.

There are transgender people who's gender may be different to the sex assigned at birth.

Their preferred pronoun may not be obvious just by looking at them, which is why, to avoid being misgendered, they specify.

Why then, should a cis-ally add pronouns to the bio, when the gender is "obvious"?

It is essentially to display a symbolic solidarity. To tell non-binary and transgender people that they have our support, that they are normal. And to prevent misgendering.

But there is more.

Non-binary and transpersons are often the target of hate. By putting up pronouns in the bio, cis people destigmatise "otherness" and help create a community where it is harder to identify a non-binary or transgender person from a cis person.

Putting our pronouns in the bio is a small thing we can do to make non-binary and transgender people feel more accepted, and to destroy myths around gender identity.

June is #PrideMonth  

Why I do not celebrate Mothers' Day

 If I define myself at all, it is as "mother".

Becoming a mother was a life altering experience for me. It was not easy for a Type A personality to accept that precisely nothing was in her control.

Someone who stomped through life with the casual arrogance of one who believed she could do anything soon realised that practically every woman she encountered knew more than her.

It was humbling to know that babies don't come with instruction manuals. Initially, I made flow charts to determine why the baby cried- is he hungry, wet, hot, cold....., or plain fussy. But I soon surrendered them, and started relying on that most in-exact of things-instinct.

Becoming a mother taught me humility. It taught me fear. It taught me compassion.

It made me who I am.

YET, the only thing I do on Mothers' Day is wish my mother and thank her for being my mother.

Because there are many who are not mothers.

There are women who choose not to be mothers.

There are women who want to be mothers but are not able.

There are women who crave to be mothers but their situation forces them to delay.

There are mothers who lost their babies.

There are mothers who lost older children.

There are mothers who chose to abort a child, but still live with the guilt of doing so.

There are children who lost their mothers.

There are adults who lost their mothers.

There are mothers who were never there emotionally for their children

There are mothers who are disappointed in their child

There are mothers who disapprove of their life choices and keep away

Even a relationship as romaticised as the one between a mother and her child, is not always what it is made out to me.

To all those people, Mothers' Day is a travesty. It is a reminder of what they do not have. And a celebration which isn't inclusive isn't worth celebrating.

But, to all the mothers suffering from self doubt (and I doubt if there are too many who do not), I will just quote -

"There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."