 |
With her smile, she dispelled the darkness, created
the Universe from a void. She resides in the Centre
of the Sun, helps sustain Life
© 2018
|
There is work to be done, I remind myself, as I coax myself to get up. To drag myself to the bathroom, splash water on my face, brush my teeth. I avoid looking at the face in the mirror- I do not know her. Vacant eyes, pulled down face. Did those lips ever smile, I wonder? Sometime, I suppose they did. Now I wonder if they even remember how. Stop staring at yourself in the mirror, you have work to do, I tell myself. Stay here, stay here a while longer and drown with me, replies my reflection.
A crash jolts me from my reverie. It’s just the cat knocking over the sugar bowl. She wants her milk, I suppose. Everyone wants something from me. Except me. All I want is to go back to bed.
I get through the next 2 hours. Lunch boxes to be packed, breakfast to be made, kids to woken up, dressed, fed.
I put on my mask and take the children down to wait for the school bus. This is the worst part of the day; even worse than getting up. I have to smile and make small talk. Laugh at the jokes of the other mothers, ask about their children, pretend to be interested in the gossip, smile. Smile, even though I am broken inside. Smile even though all I want to do is to crawl back into bed.
The bus comes, I wave goodbye. And put away my mask.
The bed beckons. I will lie down, cover my head, and lie their motionless till eternity. That’s all I want to do. Just a few minutes more; the lift is stuck on the 3rd floor, but will be down soon.
The phone rings. My mother. Ignore it, I tell myself. I-G-N-O-R-E. My body ignores my plea as usual. I take the call.
“How long does it take you to pick up the phone”, she says without even a hello. “Now, don’t go back home and lie down. Have a bath, put on some decent clothes, slap on the lipstick and go out.”
“But,”
“No buts. Lolling around in bed feeling miserable for yourself isn’t going to solve anything. Get dressed, go out. Make some time for yourself.”
“But it’s raining, and there is an auto strike.”
“Don’t make excuses. If you can’t go anywhere else, go to CCD and read a book there. Just get dressed and get out of the house. And send me a selfie too.”
Why did I insist on getting my mother a cell phone? There was now way out of this mess. I just had to get out. As if slapping on the lipstick would help. As if anything would help. What a mess. Why can’t they just let me be?
“I am just so depressed yaar”, the beautifully turned out girl at the next table trilled to her friend, launching into an imagined complaint.
Depressed?! What did she know about Depression? How dare she usurp my misery and try to make it her own? Does she know how hard it is to just get past every day? Does she know how much effort it took me to wear these dangling earrings? The number of times I thought of putting on matching earrings, and then decided it was not worth it. I still wore them. And they match my tee shirt. Does she even know what it means?
“Nice earrings”, my mother texted. She knew. With a thrill, I relised she understood. “Now stop feeling miserable for yourself. Drink your coffee and read your book.”
Why had I brought Vikram Seth? I loved the book, but my eyes glazed over the words. I cannot read this. I looked at the gentleman on the next table. “What I talk about when I talk about running”, said the book.
Running.
Mechanical.
Putting one foot ahead of the other.
The other foot ahead of the first.
Forever.
No need to think
to process
Just count the steps. And run.
Maybe that is what I need. I do not want to be like this. I do want to be happy again. I will make myself smile again. From my smile, I will rebuild my world.
_____
I am Kushmanda, the Creator of Creation. The fourth manifestation of Nav Durga. I am every woman trying to smile.
No comments:
Post a Comment