Can a woman who doesn't want a career be termed "lazy"?

 [First published in Women’s Web]

When an actress described women as “lazy” because they choose not to have careers and insist on only considering prospective grooms who earn a lot, many jumped to her defence.

Many men (and women) shared stories about how “choosy” women have now become.

One wrote in a now-deleted post that when they were looking for a bride for her brother, the eligible women all laid down impossible conditions — they wanted the groom to be not more than 3 years older than them, to earn at least 50k per month, and to agree to live in an independent flat.

Another shared the story of how a woman called off her engagement when she found out that her US-based fiancé had lost his job. Both seemed to believe that a woman does not have the right to lay down minimum expectations from a prospective groom, and that setting expectations makes her greedy and lazy.

What about the unrealistic expectations from brides, huh?

Leave aside the fact that men have always had unrealistic expectations from their brides (all matrimonial advertisements want tall, fair, cultured and homely brides), what is wrong with a woman refusing to marry a man who cannot maintain the standard of living she is used to, especially since it is likely that her family will be investing a substantial amount in setting up her household?

“If she is used to so much luxury, she should earn enough to support herself. Why should she be a parasite and expect her husband to earn for her”, was the argument put forth.

‘Our daughters-in-law don’t work’, what career?

What they chose to ignore was the fact that our patriarchal system discourages women from having a career.

Take my friend Avani***, for example. Avani was a school topper who did particularly well in Science and Maths and dreamt of becoming a lady doctor. Since her conservative family didn’t allow her to sit for the pre-medical examinations, she enrolled for a degree in Economics. Her family wanted to get her married off after graduation, but she resisted and started her Masters.

Since she had two younger sisters, her family was after her to get married. Finally, she gave in to the pressure and agreed to get married. Her husband’s family allowed her to complete her post-graduation, but there was no question of her going out to work.

The women in their family “didn’t work”, and they were not going to let Avani break the tradition.

Avani’s case is not unique. Millions of Avanis have gone to good schools and colleges and done well academically, but are not permitted to work. Women who are “allowed” to work consider themselves fortunate, but the word “allowed” itself shows that they do nto have agency- their freedom to work depends on the whims of the husband (/his family) and can be withdrawn anytime.

Can a woman who is brought up knowing that she will not be permitted to work outside the home after marriage be called “lazy” because she does not intend to have a career?

How can a woman who has been actively discouraged from getting professional qualifications to be expected to support herself?

A fancy designation in father-in-law’s firm, but no real work!

Then there is another friend, Barkha. Barkha had been the head girl at school, and nobody was surprised when she got admission into one of India’s foremost law colleges. Varun was a year senior to her, and they fell in love and decided to get married.

Varun’s father had his own law firm and was quite excited about welcoming yet another lawyer into the family. Two months before their marriage, Barkha quit her job to concentrate on pulling off her perfect destination wedding.

When she returned from her honeymoon, her father-in-law offered her a position in his law firm, which she accepted. She had a fancy designation, and was invited to attend all the prestigious meetings, but Barkha soon realized that she was being kept out of the serious assignments.

Just when she was thinking of applying to other firms, she found out she was pregnant. She is now the mother of three, and realizes that she might never get to practice law.

There are many young women like Barkha whose professional aspirations get sidelined after marriage. It may not always be as dramatic as this. It might just be a case of women not being able to balance a highly demanding job with the pressures of motherhood and being forced to drop out.

Forced to drop her career because she had to become her in-laws’ primary caregiver

Unlike Avani and Barkha, Chandini was reasonably well-established in her career before marriage. Initially, her in-laws stayed in another city, and marriage didn’t change her lifestyle much. However, after her father-in-law had a stroke, her parents-in-law moved into Chandini’s home.

Suddenly, Chandini was thrust into the role of primary caregiver. Her in-laws called her for every minor emergency, and she was expected to drop everything and rush home. She was not able to take it for too long, and quit her high pressure job to become an independent consultant.

Though Chandini is not unhappy with her pipeline of work, she often thinks about how much better it would have been had she remained in her old job.

Not every Chandini is forced to lower her professional ambitions because of the demands of caregiving. Some Chandinis do so because, in the absence of adequate spousal support, childrearing can be a full-time job.

In a society where the entire emotional burden of housekeeping, caregiving and childrearing is with the women, it is extremely hard for women to continue to balance those needs with the demands of a full-time job. Millions of Chandinis either compromise or get burnt out (or both).

Daman could be the younger sister of Avani, Barkha or Chandini. When growing up, her elder sister is her role model. Daman sees Avani, Barkha and Chandini stand out in technicolour against the grey women in Daman’s family.

She wants to be someone in her own right, as Avani, Barka and Chandini are.

However, before her eyes, the colours gradually start fading. Avani, Barkha and Chandini all have had their individuality stripped away, and become indistinguishable from the other women in the family.

It is being called practical, not lazy!

Daman soon realizes that are no matter what her talents and ambitions, society will eventually reduce her to being someone’s daughter-in-law, wife or mother. If that is her future, why not make the best of it, she decides.

When Daman insists on her prospective groom earning enough to keep her in luxury, she is not being “lazy”. She is just being practical.

If she chooses not to have a professional career, it is not because of laziness; it is because she knows that her family will not allow her to treat a job as anything more than a hobby.

It is a society that forces women into not considering a career for themselves. This is not an optimal situation since it prevents 50% of humanity from achieving their full potential.

However, this situation can only be redressed by changing attitudes and beliefs. It is only when men and women take joint responsibility for housekeeping, caregiving and childrearing that we will have an equitable society where everyone can achieve their full potential.

*** Avani, Barkha, Chandini and Daman are all composite characters. Yet we might see ourselves in some of them, but none of them is based exclusively on a living person known to me.

What happened after I shared my story of being molested during Holi

 [First published in Women’s Web]

I was sexually harassed as a teenager in my apartment complex while playing Holi, and the incident left me so scarred, I never played Holi again. When I shared the story of my harassment on social media, several things happened.

People known and unknown reached out and shared similar stories of harassment. Most were stories of harassment in a familiar setting, and, like me, most of them blamed themselves for a long time. My story was no longer my story, it was the representative story of many others, and I am glad I could give them a voice.

Then the troll army got activated and I was attacked by people of all ages and political ideologies. The hundreds of responses fell into a few categories-

‘Don’t compare yourself with sanskari women’ because of course, only a ‘good’ woman can protest

I was accused of being a woke Hindu with a Christian name, who was taking about being harassed on Holi to defame the Hindu religion. The comments ranged from “don’t compare yourself with sanskari women, because you are not one” to “If you have left Hinduism then stop ranting against Hindu festival and if you haven’t please leave (the religion).”

What they chose not to recognise was the fact that I was not defaming the religion or the festival, the people who chose to use the festival as an opportunity to molest women were doing that.

‘You’re doing it for fame’

I was accused to doing it for fame, conveniently forgetting that no victim of sexual abuse wants to relive a traumatic incident which they would rather forget, and do so only for a larger purpose.

‘A feminazi’

I was accused of being a feminist who only indulges in male bashing. While I am certainly proud of being a feminist, they lack in their understanding of feminism if they do not know that feminists want gender equity, and speak up for men who are victims of patriarchy also.

‘Fake feminist’

Then there were the people who informed me that I was a pseudo feminist or a fake feminist. That certainly hurt, because I am a proud feminist and don’t want to be told I am not one. What made those slights marginally palatable was the fact that those people seemed to know that feminists (real ones) believe in gender equity, unlike me who only looks at things from a female perspective.

‘What about…?’

Whataboutry is the favourite sport on social media, and, of course, I was asked to comment on sexual harassment during Haj and on the Bishop accused of raping a nun. I was also informed that a gentleman was starting a petition to stop sexual harassment during Eid, Christmas and New Year, and was asked if I would sign that- of course I will. I will sign 365 petitions to stop harassment on each of the days, if need be. I was also asked if I would support a man falsely accused under section 498A– yes of course I will, but one should make a distinction between an individual wrongdoing and systemic injustice.

Personal attacks of all kinds

Then there were the predictable personal attacks. Apparently I am frustrated because nobody wants to play Holi with me, so I try to defame the entire festival. Also, that since I have so much to say about men who sexually harass women, my father, brother and husband must be doing the same too (this time, my kids were left out, and for that I should be thankful).

‘Only women complain about Holi’ — duh yes!

“Do you realise, men don’t complain of harassment during Holi, only women do”, a few said. How does one explain to them that the majority of victims are women and so they are the ones who will complain! Incidentally, a couple of men shared stories of how they were molested under the guise of Holi, but unlike women, they didn’t even have the vocabulary to articulate their harassment.

‘Sexual assault not a crime because unlike murder, you can recover’ — HUH?!

One went as far as saying that, unlike murder, sexual assault was not a crime. That one eventually recovers from sexual assault, so one should not raise a hue and cry over it. I wonder if the person would be as blasé if someone robbed him- one can always recover, can’t one?

‘Only certain community men harass’ — really?!

Then there was the person who specified that only men from a particular community harassed women during Holi, and that men from his community worshipped women. He seemed a little unsteady when I informed him that the person who molested me was from his own community, but he soon recovered and said that he must be an exception. Why is it so hard for men to acknowledge that all men harass, not just “other” men?

Gaslighting from responsible citizens which was worrying

These were the reactions that are so ridiculous one cannot even take them seriously. Though aimed to hurt, they can be dismissed as being of little consequence. However, there were other reactions that need to be taken seriously because, if normalised, they can have far reaching negative consequences for women.

A senior serving police officer tweeted, “Multiple new and old videos of hooligans harassing women in the name of Holi. While condemning the shameful act, one should remember that millions of men and women play Holi joyfully. Every man doesn’t get up on Holi day with a plan to molest women. Such rotten people are there but not big in number.”

This is an extremely disturbing statement, especially when it comes from a police officer, because it goes on the track of #NotAllMen, and tries to underplay the magnitude of sexual harassment during Holi. Just the words “bura na mano Holi hai!” (Don’t feel bad, it’s Holi!) shows that the actions may not be acceptable to those who get molested.

If you speak to men and women, you find that while every woman has either herself been molested or knows someone who has been molested, none of the men admits to knowing even a single man who has harassed women. This clearly shows that there is a disconnect between what women perceive as sexual harassment and what the men thinks constitutes sexual harassment. It is necessary that men acknowledge the issue, so they can be sensitive to harassment and call out other men who engage in it. Statements which imply that sexual harassment is extremely rare release men from the responsibility of calling out harassment within their circles.

‘Women should learn self-defence’ Can men avoid being violent, instead?!

There are other men with good intentions who offer advice on how women should learn self-defence so they can hit back when they are sexually harassed. While it is certainly important for women to know the basics of self defence and to be prepared to defend herself if needed, this advice shifts the onus of ensuring one’s safety from men to women. Instead of asking men to not molest women, women are told they should defend themselves.

This advice fails on two counts- can any woman be expected to defend herself when harassed by more than one man, and what happens when the man is further enraged by a woman defending herself and attacks her with a weapon or acid. Both these cases are very probable, yet, that is the advice given to women by men with good intentions.

‘Play with known people or stay indoors’ — takes away women’s agency

Other men who have the “best interests of women at heart” advise women to either play within their societies, or to stay indoors. Many women, including me, have been molested within our housing societies and some have even been molested by family or close friends while playing in their own house. So the advice that women should only play Holi with people known to her is not sufficient to ensure her safety.

More importantly, why should women be pushed into gendered ghettos to stay safe? Shouldn’t the focus be on getting men to stop molesting women under the pretext of Holi, and not on locking women up? When women start abandoning public spaces, those spaces become even more dangerous for women. This ghettoization, therefore, is a vicious circle that takes away freedom of movement from women.

What about women who can’t afford to stay indoors?

Asking women to stay indoors is also an extremely privileged take. Not all women can afford to stay indoors. Women who work as domestic help or cooks often do not get a day off for Holi, and are vulnerable to harassment while going to work. The same is the case for most blue collar workers, especially daily wage earners. They cannot afford to stay indoors even if they want to, so it is incumbent on men to behave.

In a bid to distract attention, some men ask hypothetical questions like — “what do you want us to do- ban Holi?” No, we do not want to ban Holi. All we want is that men exercise restraint while playing Holi. Seek the express consent of the woman before you do anything to her, and be aware of how others are playing and call out any man who is causing discomfort. Neither of these is hard to do, and observing them will ensure Holi is a pleasant experience for everyone.

Book Review: The Hate U Give

 

Some books stay with you long after you read the last line, shut the book and put it away. THUG is one of them. 

#BlackLivesMatter is merely a hashtag for most of us- the headlines we read, the posts we RT and the videos we share do not capture the reality of what it is to be black in America. A place where a driver can be pulled up, asked to produce his papers, be patted down three time, and then shot because the policeman felt he was dangerous. “A hairbrush is not a gun” chant the activists; yet it on that suspicion that 16 year old Starr Carter’s friend was gunned down and left for dead.

Starr, who was vocal about demanding justice on social media, is struck dumb when she is required to speak up. The book traces her gradual realisation that she has the responsibility to use her voice. She doesn’t feel terribly brave, but her mother tells her “bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is being afraid, but doing it anyway.”

Starr is also one of the few blacks in her high school, and is acutely conscious of the fact that there are two Starrs who speak and act quite differently. As she finds her voice to speak for justice, she also goes through the process of discovering who her true friends are, and which of them deserve to remain in her life. Though the reactions of her classmates, the author also explores how non-blacks react to the issue. Many who clain allyship do so on their terms only, and resent it when a black person tries to set the tone of protest.

Why did Starr’s friend take to a life of petty crime- not because he chose to, but because he had no choice. When there is no industry, when blacks aren’t encouraged to learn and aren’t recruited even when they do, do they have too many options to earn? How does it matter if Starr’s friend was a drug peddler or not- does he deserve to be killed on that suspicion? These and many other questions remain after the last page is read.

This is a book all of us need to read. To understand our privilege. And hopefully be more empathetic while demanding justice for the oppressed. 

As always, I am amazed at the maturity and nuance in books which are technically termed YA. 

And, yes, THUG LIFE according to the book stands for "The Hate U Give Little Infants F*&$s Everyone"